the tree of woe

I know all my readers (and by “all my readers” I mean “both of you”) would like to know how an amazing blogger such as myself is able to maintain an outstanding blog such as this one. I can tell you, it’s not easy. All the other blogs that blog about blogging are filled with useful information for everyone else. Here’s a good example: [Blog about] Why you’re different (and better) than your competition. Who’s my competition? I don’t see any other guys in their late 20s whining about how often they don’t blog. I’m pretty sure I’m an industry of one. So, for anyone else who finds posts like these useless, I now present my solid gold blogging tips:

1. Talk about current events. I’m a little behind on this, but I promise everyone I’ll finally get to the Leno-Conan issue as soon as we get through the Lincoln-Douglas debates next week.
2. Challenge people you’ve never met to duels. This one works for awhile, but gets old pretty fast.
3. Mention something from your childhood. Imply the era you grew up in is superior to any other era.
4. Review a product. Suggest that you could be bought.
5. Talk about something that has recently happened to you, or something you have recently done. Don’t talk about completely uninteresting things, though. Save those for Twitter and Facebook.

You can save money by buying used stuff, or by buying last year’s fashions. If you go back in time far enough with fashions, you can actually lap everyone by being retro, and therefore more hip than other people. Remember, 80′s cartoons are hip. 80′s clothing isn’t, yet. Here are some ideas:

• Instead of a new car, buy a used one.
• Instead of buying new clothes, see what your local Goodwill has.
• Instead of Swine Flu, get SARS. Haven’t heard about SARS in awhile? Well, be the first to make it popular again.
• Instead of putting effort into a blog post, phone it in and reward yourself with a nap.

We got a new phonebook yesterday.

Actually, I was a little surprised. Who uses phonebooks anymore? Certainly not I. Being the cutting edge, Web 2.0 fellow that I am, I always use Goog-411 to find the numbers I’m looking for. When that inevitably fails, (“I said HOME DEPOT… HOOOOOOME DEEEEEEE…) I go straight to Google. After scrolling through ten pages of useless, unrelated stuff, I give up.

I refuse to use a phonebook, despite its clear advantages. For example, there is a pizza coupon on the front. I’d never, ever use it, as I’d feel self conscious trotting about town with my measly phonebook coupon clutched tightly in my fist. If you have multiple places to look up, sometimes you can save some real time. Need a plumber and a podiatrist? Same page, my friend. Need a sign and a silversmith? Better yet, need a sign made of silver? The phonebook has it all and more. Take, for example, the wonderful ad on the back cover. It’s an ad for a law firm that specializes in (what else?) “serious injury claims.” They will help you with various injuries, such as:

• Automobile
• Slip & Fall
• Construction Site
• Dog Attacks
• Defective Products
• Pedestrian … ?

So if you’re ever walking through a construction site and you slip and fall, causing you to drive the Slim Jim you were eating into your eye, the scent of which causes some nearby dogs to attack your face, and then a pedestrian… steps on you… or something… you can really clean up with these people helping you out. Maybe by “pedestrian” they actually mean a boring, run of the mill serious injury claim. It’s hard to tell. I’d call them, but Goog-411 can’t find them, and I refuse to use the printed number out of pride.

I guess we’ll never know.

Firstly, for the uniformed: Patrick Stewart is now Sir Patrick, a knight of the British Empire. I’m pretty sure this means he has to stop acting, be fitted for a suit of armor, and start questing.

This has reignited my quest to obtain as many honorary titles, degrees and certificates as I possibly can. Top on my list? Kentucky Colonel. I am absolutely serious. If that were to happen, I would immediately purchase a white linen suit and go to law school. Geographically and culturally, I have a better chance at being a Colonel then being knighted by the Queen of England. Frankly, I’d much rather be a Colonel, anyway. Can you think of anything better than the title of “Colonel”?

For balance, I’d put being an honorary Admiral in the Texas Navy near the bottom of my list, along with anything that has to do with Ohio.

While I’m at it, I relinquish my title as “King of the Internets.” The crown was too heavy for my neck, and the pointed top kept popping all my balloons.