the tree of woe

We got a new phonebook yesterday.

Actually, I was a little surprised. Who uses phonebooks anymore? Certainly not I. Being the cutting edge, Web 2.0 fellow that I am, I always use Goog-411 to find the numbers I’m looking for. When that inevitably fails, (“I said HOME DEPOT… HOOOOOOME DEEEEEEE…) I go straight to Google. After scrolling through ten pages of useless, unrelated stuff, I give up.

I refuse to use a phonebook, despite its clear advantages. For example, there is a pizza coupon on the front. I’d never, ever use it, as I’d feel self conscious trotting about town with my measly phonebook coupon clutched tightly in my fist. If you have multiple places to look up, sometimes you can save some real time. Need a plumber and a podiatrist? Same page, my friend. Need a sign and a silversmith? Better yet, need a sign made of silver? The phonebook has it all and more. Take, for example, the wonderful ad on the back cover. It’s an ad for a law firm that specializes in (what else?) “serious injury claims.” They will help you with various injuries, such as:

• Automobile
• Slip & Fall
• Construction Site
• Dog Attacks
• Defective Products
• Pedestrian … ?

So if you’re ever walking through a construction site and you slip and fall, causing you to drive the Slim Jim you were eating into your eye, the scent of which causes some nearby dogs to attack your face, and then a pedestrian… steps on you… or something… you can really clean up with these people helping you out. Maybe by “pedestrian” they actually mean a boring, run of the mill serious injury claim. It’s hard to tell. I’d call them, but Goog-411 can’t find them, and I refuse to use the printed number out of pride.

I guess we’ll never know.

Firstly, for the uniformed: Patrick Stewart is now Sir Patrick, a knight of the British Empire. I’m pretty sure this means he has to stop acting, be fitted for a suit of armor, and start questing.

This has reignited my quest to obtain as many honorary titles, degrees and certificates as I possibly can. Top on my list? Kentucky Colonel. I am absolutely serious. If that were to happen, I would immediately purchase a white linen suit and go to law school. Geographically and culturally, I have a better chance at being a Colonel then being knighted by the Queen of England. Frankly, I’d much rather be a Colonel, anyway. Can you think of anything better than the title of “Colonel”?

For balance, I’d put being an honorary Admiral in the Texas Navy near the bottom of my list, along with anything that has to do with Ohio.

While I’m at it, I relinquish my title as “King of the Internets.” The crown was too heavy for my neck, and the pointed top kept popping all my balloons.

Seaworld still exists, which is news to me. I guess I had assumed they had all closed at some point, due to the closing of the Seaworld in Cleveland, which brings me to my point:

What was a Seaworld doing in Cleveland?

I’m pretty sure all the Seaworlds were in coastal cities, but Cleveland was the only one not on the ocean. Were they suggesting that they found that killer whale and all of those dolphins in Lake Erie? There are lots of things in Lake Erie, but healthy marine life is not one of them, let alone ocean-going, salt water marine life. At the age of eight, I failed to question all of this.

If we’re going to have inappropriately located theme parks, then I’m opening up a wildlife preserve in downtown Detroit, a year round waterpark in Fairbanks, and a Disney themepark in Paris. Ludicrous.

So.

The Pioneer Woman has failed to respond to my challenges. I knew this would happen. She was obviously paralyzed with fear. She only blogged roughly 15 times in the four days she had to respond to my challenges. I am now King of the Internets.

Le Roi est mort, vive le Roi!

I organized a coronation for myself today, but things went a little awry when I noticed that the chartreuse lasers I had ordered were in fact yellow. I got into an argument with the laser guy, and ended up flipping all the laser machines over, and heaving one into traffic. Things got a little out of control. I then knocked over a couple of light stands and ended up throwing a toaster and a hairdryer into a swimming pool. They weren’t plugged in, but try telling that to everyone in there. Good luck getting them to listen to anything.

So that didn’t work out like I had planned, but I’m still the reigning King of the Internets. I need to start changing my name on things. I’ll start with my Safeway card.

Cashier: Thanks for shopping with us today, Mr…   King of the Internets.

You are most welcome, loyal subject.