the tree of woe

Apparently, at one point in time, it was common in this country to have your milk delivered to you. As I was initially pondering this, I thought it was delightful. You’d hear the doorbell, and when you opened your door, there would be a delicious, creamy treat for everyone to enjoy.

The more I thought about it, though, the more unsettled I became. Honestly, if you answered your front door to find a gallon of milk on your doorstep, and a van speeding away in the distance, what would you do? Drink it? Have you gone mad? I’d probably call the bomb squad.

I don’t need to have my milk delivered, anyway. Between the daily deliveries of ice for my icebox and the coal truck coming by three times a week, I’m busy enough.

I’m not sure how the term “meat and potatoes” became representative of a diet that consists of more than just potatoes and various meats. When someone says, “I’m a meat and potatoes kind of guy,” we take it for granted that he eats more than just those two food items.

What if someone said, “I’m a meat and potatoes and Lucky Charms kind of guy.”? I would immediately wonder, “Is that all this guy eats?” followed by, “Can I do that, too?”

I dislike naps, and I’m sick of being in the minority about it. Everyone I know goes around touting the nap, singing its praises. I’m tired of it.

What’s to like about it? You lie down on the couch, time passes, and you are left groggy, sweaty, (I’m assuming everyone sweats as powerfully as I) and now it’s dark outside. Your entire day from that point on is completely messed up. Yet people continue in this practice.

I just sleep longer in the morning. Of course that’s not invulnerable to criticism, either. Getting up at eleven in the morning has negative connotations in the minds of those insufferable “morning people.” They’re so smug about it, too. “Are you just getting up now? I’ve already gone to work and come back home for lunch and given the dog a bath and renewed my passport and discovered a new prime number.”

Want to know what’s not so productive? An hour and a half of unconsciousness in the middle of the afternoon, that’s what. That’s when I’ll get my stuff done, such as stealing your wallet and taking your car to Wendy’s, Mr. Morning Person.

From what I understand, gummi bears “the candy” came about in the fifties, and gummi bears “the TV show” started in ‘89 or somewhere thereabouts. I guess someone was just sitting around one day, trying the think of an idea for a new show, just eating some gummi bears, and…

“You know, these gummi bears are kinda cute. I could see them being dashing. Daring, even. Perhaps even courageous and caring. Faithful. Friendly. I wonder if they have any stories to share…”

Then he proceeded to crank out approximately  150 scripts where the gummi bears saved the day by bouncing around, as if that ever solved anything.

Edit: This may jog some memories.

How in the world do you buy diamonds “factory direct,” as a commercial I just saw on TV claimed? The only possible way I can think of would be to go to a cave and pay someone to walk around, looking for diamonds.

I have to admit that I have no idea where diamonds come from. I assume you can just find them in caves. Someone please correct me if I’m wrong.