the tree of woe

Deep breath in. Imagine you’re on a cloud. It’s very puffy and soft. Exhale.

Deep breath in. You’re on another cloud. Make this one a nimbus cloud. Exhale.

Deep breath in. You’re in a field. There is a man standing at the other end of the field. He looks like Ted Danson, but as you get closer, you realize it’s a moose. Exhale.

Deep breath in. Feel the oxygen in your blood. Imagine what it would feel like to be carried down a river on your own hemoglobin. Exhale.

Deep breath in. You’re in the woods, surrounded by gophers. In fact, the gophers have made you their king. All hail the great Gopher King! They bring you spiced meats and you declare it to be good. Exhale.

Deep breath in. You are reading a book. You start shrinking. You shrink to the size of the individual letters! Rearrange them to form a new book, taking care not to ruin the structure of the plot. Exhale.

Deep breath in. Look down. Where your torso should be, you find instead the body of a cello. An Italian man purchases you for a large sum of money, due to your exquisite tone. Exhale.

Deep breath in. You are a cow. You try to speak, but incoherent noises are all you can generate. This is because you are in Southern Louisiana, and only speak Cajun French. Exhale.

Good job, everyone. See you next month.