the tree of woe

Top reasons for visiting Mackinac Island:

• Fear of not riding ferries.
• Starting new, fudge-based diet.
• Fan of the one Christopher Reeve movie that didn’t have “Superman” in the title.
• Tired of having your horses spooked by modern “horseless” carriages.
• Want to go back in time without getting too deep into quantum mechanics.

Everyone, remain calm… the last thing we need right now is a panic, but listen to this…

The price of bacon has DROPPED 14 CENTS PER POUND.

Deep breath..  in.. out.. OK… OK… OHHHKAAAY…

I’m going to buy bacon. Right now. All I can. I’m going to buy bacon in Oregon Trailian-like quantities. What am I going to do with 600 pounds of bacon? It doesn’t matter. Think of it, though..  all that BACON.

Perhaps you think I’m being reactionary. Think about it for a moment, though. Perhaps you follow the price of gas in a similar way. Is counting cents, whether it be the price of gas or the price of bacon, worth it? Aren’t there larger issues that we should focus our time and energy on, time and energy we have once, and will never have again during our short stay here on earth? Shouldn’t we be focused on higher things? The answer is: no.

I found a recipe for macaroni and cheese this morning, and I couldn’t help but notice the complexity of the whole process. Even the list of ingredients was quite long, and for me, would necessitate a trip to a grocery store, because I usually don’t have any shallots or cloves of garlic on hand. I know I don’t have any “kosher” salt. I have the salt in the large round container with the girl holding the umbrella on the front, and I think it’s safe to say that whatever company manufactures it doesn’t have a Rabbi on the line.

Anyway, I found a way to simplify this recipe. Click here, then click “Add to Shopping Cart.” It will take a little longer (5-9 business days) before you can actually start eating, but after that it becomes a pretty easy process.

1. Use the elevator instead of the stairs. If there isn’t an elevator, use an escalator (be sure not to move.) If there isn’t either option, see if you can get someone to carry you up the stairs.
2. Use your car, all the time, even when you’re just getting the mail.
3. Remain absolutely motionless during your lunch break.
4. Watch more TV. Try not to watch exciting movies and shows, as that could accidentally get your heart rate up. Watch fishing, or even better, the BBC.
5. Spend your time writing useless blog posts, like me.

I have heard of the Michelin Restaurant Guide. I have also heard of Michelin tires. Never have I connected the two.

And why would I? It makes no sense. No tire company (or any other company connected to the automotive industry in any way) has any business publishing a restaurant guide. I would not go to a restaurant on the recommendation of the fine people at Goodyear. Tires, yes. Haute cuisine, no. Finding recipes on the back of bottles is not uncommon, but I would be hesitant to follow one I found on the back of my Valvoline bottle. 

Yet despite all of this plain, common sense, Michelin is in the business of restaurant rating. I didn’t believe it at first, until I saw this. I’ll wait while you look.

It’s OK if you never return from viewing the other site. I would, frankly, be surprised if you did, as simple tasks such as finding and clicking the “back” button become quite difficult after one’s brain has exploded from the sheer shock after seeing something so incredible. Nevertheless, there it is. The Michelin man, not just showing you the best places in the world to eat, but also taking you there in style and comfort, thanks to Michelin Comfort Control Technology™ that uses computer-optimized design and precision manufacturing to offer greatly reduced vibrations and road noise.