the tree of woe

On this day in history, Ferdinand Magellan “discovered” the Pacific ocean.

I say “discovered” because he didn’t really discover it. Sailing around the world is one thing, but he didn’t discover anything. Lots of people had known about it for years. If I drove up to Salt Lake City, planted a flag with my face on it in the ground and claimed it as my great discovery, they would run me out of town (I know this is what they would do, mainly because this is precisely how they responded when I tried to claim their city for myself a couple of weeks ago.)

Besides, it’s not like the Pacific ocean is easy to miss. It’s pretty much the largest thing on the planet. Not discovering the Pacific ocean would be quite a feat, but that’s not what he did. 

I don’t mean to take away from the whole “sailing around the earth” thing, though.. but since he died and never actually sailed around the world himself, I guess we can’t give him credit for that, either. You know, the whole trip would have been so much easier if only they had a GPS device.

Recently, I realized that I have no idea what to do in the event of an earthquake. I can’t really blame anyone else for that. There was little reason to prepare me for earthquakes while living in the Great Lakes region, but it is of some concern now.

This occurred to me when I was trying to think of what to do during an earthquake. My first, natural reaction would be to find a ditch. I don’t know why, but that seems to be my gut level reaction to all natural disasters. It’s probably valid for tornadoes and lightning, less so for hurricanes(wind, yes.. water, no.) It’s possible, I suppose, that leaping into a ditch(or hiding under a bathtub.. I don’t know why, but that seems pretty good to me, too) could actually be the opposite of the appropriate course of action. Perhaps the ditch turns out to be not a ditch at all, but the beginning of a rift in the earth itself, a great maw that threatens to swallow me whole. 

I have been told that the greatest threat from earthquakes is the aftermath and resulting destruction. I’m going to ignore that, and assume that the greatest threat is things falling on me. I think, in order to be safe from things falling on me, I’m going to subscribe to the Willy E. Coyote school of thought: I will carry around a tiny umbrella and a sign that says, “Help.” If I happen to notice a shadow rapidly growing around my feet in the shape of a, oh, let’s say a grand piano, I will hold the umbrella up meekly, followed by the sign. I will be crushed flat by it, but I’ll be just fine after the fade to black.

Dr. Pepper said a few months ago that they’d give everyone in America a free Dr. Pepper if the new Guns N’ Roses album came out this year. The Guns N’ Roses album is coming out this year. Now, everyone in America gets a free Dr. Pepper.

I’m not going to be getting one.

I can’t. This has gotten too strange. I’m used to getting a free taco after someone hits a home run, but if this is the start of a new trend of major corporations making wild and zany bets, I don’t want to do anything to encourage it. What’s next? It’s only a matter of time before everyone gets a free bag of Doritos if the Patriots beat the spread, or a free iPod Touch if Steve Jobs can’t throw a football over a house(this would require someone saying, “Hey, bet you can’t throw a football over the house” to Steve Jobs. If someone who knows him could do that for me that would be cool, because I could really use a new iPod.)

Current statistics indicate that there are over 20 bazillion blogs in existence, yet only roughly 6 of them are any good(this blog is not one of them.) If you want your blog to become #7, follow these foolproof tips to create a better blog, get more subscribers and readers, and generally add to the substance of the universe.

1. Post frequently. The smallest useful measurable amount of time is one second. Aim for one post every second.
2. Give useful information. The trick to this is that everyone has already blogged about every piece of useful information ever, so you’re going to have to come up with something new. Try turning lead into gold, then blog about that. Even if you aren’t successful, at least you’ll have done something useful with all of that spare lead I’m assuming you have strewn about your place.
3. Interact with readers. Reply to their emails and comments. Answer their questions. Invite them back. Figure out their interests, and write with them in mind. Find out where they live, where they work, their sleeping patterns, and their deepest fears. Go through their trash. You know, interact with them.
4. Be current. Make sure your blog stays up to date. If it didn’t happen within the last 48 hours, it doesn’t matter anymore. Remember the saying about not knowing history and being doomed? Some guy from like 1000 years ago or something said it, so who cares? Don’t blog about stuff like that.
5. Use cliffhangers. End every post with some sort of danger that makes people want to come back to see if you’ve survived. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out a way to get off of this sinking hovercraft.” is pretty good.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out a way to get off of this sinking hovercraft.

Do you find yourself running out of time during the course of the day? Are you too busy? Learn how to save time by using these simple time saving techniques to squeeze every drop of efficiency out of your time.

1. Work from home. If this isn’t possible, call in sick every day until you think they’re on to you. Then, return for a day or two. Repeat the process.
2. Stop using words with more than two syllables. Also, stop using “extra” words. “Talk like caveman. More time. Fire good, cook food.” Like that.
3. Actually, stop cooking your food. This will also save on energy costs now, and later(when you keel over.)
4. Make lists. Make sure you always have a shopping list, a to-do list, and an enemies list handy. Just be sure not to mix them up, especially if you have an uncle named Ben, a cardiologist named Michael Pepper, M.D., or if your commanding officer is Captain William M. Crunch.
5. Get ready the night before. Put out your clothes, put coffee and water in the coffee maker, and pack your lunch the night before. The extra sleep will help you look rested, calm and confident for the jury. Every little bit helps(according to your public defender.)
6. Learn to say no.”Will you give me a ride to the airport?”, “Will you organize the family reunion?”, “Can I have your kidney to live?” Feel free to say no.