the tree of woe

To the Grand Rapids Press,

I am writing to you to express my (enthusiasm/support/deep and abiding love) for (insert candidate name here). (Candidate) has a (proven/outstanding/perfect) track record of (getting things done/cutting government waste/supernatural feats of strength/the ability to fly). I fully support the candidacy of (candidate), and believe that (he/she) is the (best/ideal/greatest ever) person for the office.

(Opponent), however, (is bad/is not qualified/is horrible/punched me in the throat once/is the Third Horseman of the Apocalypse). (Opponent) supports such policies as (raising taxes/lowering taxes/changing the national anthem to “Folsom Prison Blues”/furious and indiscriminate throat-punching/killing a quarter of the world’s population.) Clearly, this is not what we need! I urge everyone to (not vote for/publicly shame/punch the throat of) (Opponent), and instead (vote for/lift high on your shoulders/build an everlasting monument, now and for all time to) (Candidate).

Sincerely,

(Concerned Citizen/Local Crackpot/Lt. Governor)

Economic times are tough, and people are looking to save money. Here, I present my own personal strategies for keeping ahead of the downward trend:

• Clipping coupons for products that I use, clipping coupons for products I don’t use and attempting to redeem them for cash value(1/40 of a cent.)
• Rolling through stop signs at a fuel efficient speed of 28MPH
• Lighting cigars with plain old $5 bills instead
• Not replacing batteries in smoke alarm(I’ve been saving money this way for the last 6 years.)
• No longer buying Michigan’s Instant Lotto tickets(still buying Daily 3, Daily 4, Mega Millions, and Keno tickets)
• Reduce wear on clothes and shoes by ceasing all physical activity

Every now and then, something amazing happens in the world. Something amazing happened recently, and I’d like to tell you about it.

First, some background:

• Panda bears are awesome.
• Rainbows are awesome.
• Neat pictures are also awesome.
• Vomiting isn’t that awesome, but can be under the right circumstances(as it turns out.)

Now, when the inner six planets are all aligned, when the tides ebb and flow at just the right times, and when the Blue Star Kachina makes its appearance in the heavens, the Fifth World emerges, and someone creates a website of a panda vomiting neat pictures and rainbows, and the world is a better place for it.

I have discovered the next exercise fad to take North America by storm.

Behold the ShovelGlove.

Actually, you don’t need to behold, I can just tell you what it is. You take a sledgehammer, wrap a sweater around it for safety, and proceed to go through all manner of movements with it in order to burn calories and increase strength.

It sounded good to me, until I realized how productive I could be if I actually did the activities this excercise simulates. I could dig an entire moat, chop enough firewood and churn enough butter to last a lifetime, and kill all the orcs in Mordor five times over.

I guess my point is that if you need someone to dig some holes or if you have a ring that needs to be thrown into a volcano, you know who to call(me.)