the tree of woe

I tried to leave a store a few days ago. As I approached the front doors – of which I had a vivid memory of entering through, not 15 minutes prior – I halted briefly because of the following warning printed on the door:

PUSH OPEN IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

So I stopped for a moment. After I paused just long enough to realize that the doors weren’t going to open by themselves(which also happens to be just long enough to look dumb,) I pushed the doors open and went on my way.

Later, I thought, “That’s a pretty lousy sign for a door.” I decided that it should actually read:

PUSH OPEN IN CASE OF EMERGENCY OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON.

I read something recently that made me appreciate my…  ambidextrosity? ambidextrousness? I’ll get back to you on that wording.

Anyway, I write with my right hand, but I seem to prefer to do most every other task with my left hand. Notice I said “most” tasks. I prefer to swing a bat with my right(although I can switch hit,) and I also golf right handed(I’ve never tried it left handed.) I shoot a basketball, throw, and play tennis with my left. I also prefer to knife-fight with my left(Don’t ask.)

The problem is, every time I have to do something that I haven’t done in awhile that also requires “handedness,” I have to stop and think, “Ok, me. Do I do this right handed, or left handed?” A good example of that is bowling. I always manage to bowl at least a game and a half right handed with little success, when I always end out remarking out loud, “Oh yeah, that’s right. I bowl left handed,” causing everyone within earshot to back away slowly.

If I was smart, I’d keep bowling right handed until someone said, “Man, Kevin. I’m crushing you. Why are you smiling?

Me: “Because I know something you don’t know.”

Him: “And what is that?”

Me: “I am not right handed.”

Then I would proceed to destroy my friend in bowling. That’s how I picture it, anyway. So like I was saying…

Peter Faulk:“Ah, that’s the end of the blog post.”

Fred Savage:“What? What?”

Peter Faulk:“Ah, it’s kissing again. You don’t want to hear that.”

Fred Savage:“Oh, Ok.”

I don’t own a strawberry dehuller. Instead, my trick is to grab a big box of strawberries, and sit on the front porch and start eating the stems. Pretty soon, a neighborhood kid will come up and ask me what I’m doing.

“Why, I’m just enjoying the greatest snack of them all! You mean you eat the nasty red part? I tell you what, these stems are the bee’s knees!”

The kid will then sit next to me and start eating the stems, all the while praising their virtues. Soon some other kids will join him, all of them very enthused about eating strawberry stems. At this point, I go inside and watch a movie. An hour and a half later, I come back out, and find all my strawberries de-hulled.

Next time you need to quantify something, feel free to use one of the expressions below. Use the chart to ensure you are applying the correct colorful metaphor.

• A Buttload = 30
• A Crapload = 40
• A Mess =< 7
• A Boatload = 200
• A Murder =>5 (This only applies to crows)
• More than you can shake a stick at = Varies depending on your individual stick shaking prowess.