the tree of woe

Today, August 7th, is National Lighthouse Day.

On this day in 1789, Congress approved “An Act for the Establishment and support of Lighthouse, Beacons, Buoys, and Public Piers.” It was a bold step, indeed.  Consider the following quote from the text of the act itself:

None of the said expenses shall continue to be so defrayed by the United States, after the expiration of one year from the day aforesaid, unless such lighthouses, beacons, buoys and public piers, shall in the mean time be ceded to and vested in the United States, by the state or states respectively in which the same may be, together with the lands and tenements thereunto belonging, and together with the jurisdiction of the same.

See how bold that was? Actually, I’m not sure if it’s bold or not. I picked the quote above because it was the only part I sort of understood, and I don’t even understand it that well, anyway. They can be forgiven, though. Later that day, they established the U.S. War Department. It’s hard to get excited about lighthouses when you get to create something totally awesome like the War Department. I mean, it’s a department… of war. You don’t create one of those everyday, that’s for sure. But back to lighthouses…

Today, make sure to take some time to reflect on how your life has been enhanced by lighthouses. What’s that? You can’t think of any ways in which you have personally benefited from the existence of lighthouses? That’s funny, because I can’t either. So thanks for nothing, lighthouses. You’ve had your time. What if boats stopped using GPS to navigate, and started using lighthouses again? They’d be running aground, crashing into each other left and right. It would be great, actually. Something to consider.

I am very, very afraid of wolves. This is largely due to their role in children’s stories. I would hear or read stories like “The Three Little Pigs,” “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” and “Little Red Riding Hood,” and no one could figure out why on earth I would have any fear of wolves at all.

“What’s wrong, Kevin? Don’t be scared of wolves, just because no structure can contain them, and they can disguise themselves as your loved ones. I mean, I’m not a wolf.”

…That sounds like something a wolf would say…

You just described wolves as having super powers and abilities far beyond my understanding as a small child in that little story of yours. So, yes, I’m terrified of them. Thank you for bringing that up and humiliating me in public, that’s very kind of you. Actually, if we could refrain from mentioning them by name at all, that would be great. According to another story of yours, a boy said “Wolf” three times and then was eaten alive.  Or maybe a dead wolf came to life and then tried to marry him.  One of those is Aesop, and the other one is Beetlejuice, I’m just not sure which is which anymore.

I went golfing for the very first time last week. The result? I now love golf. Yes, I am a golfer. I attribute some of my success to a long history of golf video games, starting with the appropriately named “Golf” all the way through “Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004.” I was surprised at the amount of golf terminology I was unfamiliar with, so as a service to the Internet, I present a list of golf terminology. Use at your own risk.

Albatross

n. A bird that signals good weather. It is inadvisable to kill it. It is equally inadvisable to try to wear it once you have inevitably killed it.

Approach Putt

n. A putt you left short.

Inside the Leather

n. The area directly inside your leather golfing chaps.

Lay Up

n. A shot taken after driving to the hole by leaping up and using one’s hand to drop the ball directly into the hole. Illegal.

Match Play

v. Strictly prohibited by Smokey the Bear.

Texas Scramble

n. First player to kill a cow with a golf ball wins.

Wedge

excl. A reference to the line, “Good shot, Janson!” To be used when your partner successfully hits an Imperial Walker with his tow cable.