the tree of woe

Advertising may trick people into buying yogurt, but I have yet to meet the slick guy with the pitch that will actually convince me to eat it. Then again, they probably don’t care what I do with it, as long as I keep buying it.

Part of this problem is that yogurt rarely comes in flavors that guys want to eat. Sure, fruits are good and all, but if my lunch everyday can be described as a “Boysenberry Harvest,” pretty soon I’m going to just start skipping lunch everyday instead. What they need is a product that caters to men. They’ve done it with kids(see: Go-Gurt. It tastes as good as it sounds.) As a service to the yogurt industry, I now present a list of flavors that would get guys to actually eat their product.

• Steak (With A1 sauce. That part is important.)
• Yoplait High Life
• Cheese (This could probably just be a really, really soft cheese.)
• Scotch
• Ranch (Again, this could just be some ranch dressing. No yogurt needed.)
• Cajun
• Coffee
• Hot Dog
• New Car
• Dr. Pepper (please please PLEASE let this one come true.)
• Fear

I dislike picture frames with words on them. I just think that most pictures I have taken don’t need to be captioned for me to remember exactly what I’m looking at here. No one is ever going to say:

“Now who in the world is this person? I mean, she looks familiar, but I just can’t place her..  Let’s see, I’ll read the words on this picture frame. Oh, that’s right. It’s my twin sister. Thank goodness for this frame, else my memory of her would fade into oblivion.”

The only good I see in these frames is the option of buying up lots of “Best Friends” frames, putting my picture in them, then giving them to people I barely know. They would look at me, slightly stunned, and say, “Kevin, I appreciate this and all, but I don’t really know you, and…”  at which point I would interrupt them and say, while staring at the ground and shuffling my feet slightly, “Well golly, I don’t really know anyone else around here, and you’ve been so nice to me…  I guess that kind of makes you my best friend.” Then they’d feel real sorry for me, and I could probably hit them up for some cash.

Worst museum exhibits of all time:

• A Room Full of Creepy, Dead Egyptians – New Jersey State Museum
• “I’m Just Pulling Your Leg!”, and Other Civil War Medicine Stories – Gettysburg Historical Society
• Probably Some Arrowheads! – The Historical Museum at Fort Missoula
• Genocide in the Modern World – Boston Children’s Museum
• All About Glue! – The Kentucky Horse Park
• Get Pre-Approved for the New Ford F-150! – Henry Ford Museum, Detroit, Michigan

I’m looking around online for potential income opportunities in another area of the country.  I came across one today that looked promising until I read the following, which is, mind you, a direct quote.

There may be regular exposure to mild physical discomfort from factors such as dust, fumes or odors, temperature extremes, loud noise, strong drafts, or bright lights.

I can’t think of a worse existence than the one just described. Odds probably are that all of those things don’t happen at once, but you can never be too sure. The exposure to such things is described as “regular,” despite the job setting being in an office. I submit that this isn’t a job at all, but some sort of undercover mental stress test being conducted by NASA or the CIA or the Kellogg Company or someone like that.

Co-worker: “So, Kevin, you get those papers filed yet?”

HONK FLASH SUDDEN TEMPERATURE CHANGE GUST OF WIND

Kevin: *huddled in corner, weeping softly*

NASA Scientist behind one way mirror: “Excellent…”

One of the most stressful parts of starting a blog is thinking of a name. Sure, you can call it something like “Blog,” but no one is going to read that. Some people use a title that actually describes the content you will find inside the blog. Sure, that’s fine for non creative types. To stand out, though, you need a name that is a cross between a good band name and a good book title. Something pretentious. “The Tree of Woe” is a good example. It sounds kind of literary and mysterious, but has absolutely nothing to do with the blog itself whatsoever. Those “in the know” will think I sound hip. Those really “in the know” will recognize it as a professional wrestling reference, and will consequently(and rightly so) have nothing further to do with me.

As a public service, here are some blog names.  Feel free to take whatever you want. (Non creative titles included)

• Moose Time
• Into These Parts
• Proof of Purchase
• Bear Food
• Amras Arcamenel’s Journey into the Forest of Fangorn (Only use if you’re content never feeling the gentle touch of a woman ever again.)
• So Very, Very Lonely
• I’m Mad! Grrr! LOL
• Daily Thoughts Life World Musings Blog (Hint: This one is good.)
• Pay Attention To Me
• Marketing Marketing Marketing (Keep typing this word until it won’t let you keep going.)
• (Rants/Ramblings/Journal/Diary/Journey) of a (Adjective) (Noun)
• Only the Best M*A*S*H Fan Fiction
• Blurry Pictures of my Family