the tree of woe

Dr. Pepper said a few months ago that they’d give everyone in America a free Dr. Pepper if the new Guns N’ Roses album came out this year. The Guns N’ Roses album is coming out this year. Now, everyone in America gets a free Dr. Pepper.

I’m not going to be getting one.

I can’t. This has gotten too strange. I’m used to getting a free taco after someone hits a home run, but if this is the start of a new trend of major corporations making wild and zany bets, I don’t want to do anything to encourage it. What’s next? It’s only a matter of time before everyone gets a free bag of Doritos if the Patriots beat the spread, or a free iPod Touch if Steve Jobs can’t throw a football over a house(this would require someone saying, “Hey, bet you can’t throw a football over the house” to Steve Jobs. If someone who knows him could do that for me that would be cool, because I could really use a new iPod.)

To the Grand Rapids Press,

I am writing to you to express my (enthusiasm/support/deep and abiding love) for (insert candidate name here). (Candidate) has a (proven/outstanding/perfect) track record of (getting things done/cutting government waste/supernatural feats of strength/the ability to fly). I fully support the candidacy of (candidate), and believe that (he/she) is the (best/ideal/greatest ever) person for the office.

(Opponent), however, (is bad/is not qualified/is horrible/punched me in the throat once/is the Third Horseman of the Apocalypse). (Opponent) supports such policies as (raising taxes/lowering taxes/changing the national anthem to “Folsom Prison Blues”/furious and indiscriminate throat-punching/killing a quarter of the world’s population.) Clearly, this is not what we need! I urge everyone to (not vote for/publicly shame/punch the throat of) (Opponent), and instead (vote for/lift high on your shoulders/build an everlasting monument, now and for all time to) (Candidate).

Sincerely,

(Concerned Citizen/Local Crackpot/Lt. Governor)

I tried to leave a store a few days ago. As I approached the front doors - of which I had a vivid memory of entering through, not 15 minutes prior - I halted briefly because of the following warning printed on the door:

PUSH OPEN IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

So I stopped for a moment. After I paused just long enough to realize that the doors weren’t going to open by themselves(which also happens to be just long enough to look dumb,) I pushed the doors open and went on my way.

Later, I thought, “That’s a pretty lousy sign for a door.” I decided that it should actually read:

PUSH OPEN IN CASE OF EMERGENCY OR FOR ANY OTHER REASON.

I dislike picture frames with words on them. I just think that most pictures I have taken don’t need to be captioned for me to remember exactly what I’m looking at here. No one is ever going to say:

“Now who in the world is this person? I mean, she looks familiar, but I just can’t place her..  Let’s see, I’ll read the words on this picture frame. Oh, that’s right. It’s my twin sister. Thank goodness for this frame, else my memory of her would fade into oblivion.”

The only good I see in these frames is the option of buying up lots of “Best Friends” frames, putting my picture in them, then giving them to people I barely know. They would look at me, slightly stunned, and say, “Kevin, I appreciate this and all, but I don’t really know you, and…”  at which point I would interrupt them and say, while staring at the ground and shuffling my feet slightly, “Well golly, I don’t really know anyone else around here, and you’ve been so nice to me…  I guess that kind of makes you my best friend.” Then they’d feel real sorry for me, and I could probably hit them up for some cash.

One of the most stressful parts of starting a blog is thinking of a name. Sure, you can call it something like “Blog,” but no one is going to read that. Some people use a title that actually describes the content you will find inside the blog. Sure, that’s fine for non creative types. To stand out, though, you need a name that is a cross between a good band name and a good book title. Something pretentious. “The Tree of Woe” is a good example. It sounds kind of literary and mysterious, but has absolutely nothing to do with the blog itself whatsoever. Those “in the know” will think I sound hip. Those really “in the know” will recognize it as a professional wrestling reference, and will consequently(and rightly so) have nothing further to do with me.

As a public service, here are some blog names.  Feel free to take whatever you want. (Non creative titles included)

• Moose Time
• Into These Parts
• Proof of Purchase
• Bear Food
• Amras Arcamenel’s Journey into the Forest of Fangorn (Only use if you’re content never feeling the gentle touch of a woman ever again.)
• So Very, Very Lonely
• I’m Mad! Grrr! LOL
• Daily Thoughts Life World Musings Blog (Hint: This one is good.)
• Pay Attention To Me
• Marketing Marketing Marketing (Keep typing this word until it won’t let you keep going.)
• (Rants/Ramblings/Journal/Diary/Journey) of a (Adjective) (Noun)
• Only the Best M*A*S*H Fan Fiction
• Blurry Pictures of my Family