the tree of woe

That darn Pioneer Woman is stealing all of my press. This is mostly because she puts actual time and effort into her site, whereas I tend to treat mine like an abused pet goldfish, feeding it then forgetting about it for the next three weeks. Whatever the reason, I am jealous of the attention she gets.

Now she’s getting even more attention for writing a cookbook. I wrote a cookbook, too, but you don’t see me waving my arms, trying to get attention because of it. Her cookbook is a collection of apparently delicious recipes. Mine is a series of descriptions of delicious food. “Chicken is delicious.” – “Octopus is delicious.” – Stuff like that.

Like many bloggers, I get comments that never see the light of day. These comments are whisked away and are held permanently without trial in what can only be described as a Guantánamo Bay for blog comments. Today, for a brief moment, I’m going to give some of these comments a glimpse of daylight.

Angela: I was rationalizing on this theme last evening and I decided to search the WWW for more information. Your blog came up in my research and I’m impress what you have wrote on this subject. As I’m currently broadening my research and thus cannot chip in further, however, I’ve bookmarked it and will be returning to further comment. Like I said, love this comment and will be back shortly.

Thanks, Angela. I’m not entirely sure what kind of research would lead you to my post on how to avoid exercise, but I’m glad I could help.

(Name withheld): Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

That’s a good question, nameless spammer. I wish I had an answer for you, but I’m usually too busy not blogging to think about such things.

Scimmo: Good day, question: I want to put the counter Yandex metric itself to the site. plugging the first to place all in a module Nifiga fails corking the second, and yet Yandex dnezheka plows why metric is not furychit in general, how do I put a counter on the site

Thanks for the comment, Scimmo. The best way to put a counter on your site is to find a time machine and travel to the year 1995, when people actually still did that.

I was reading my own blog earlier today, and silently reflecting on how witty and clever I am. I noticed that I’ve written a lot of sentences that make very little sense when taken out of context, and while that’s true of most sentences, this selection of statements from this very blog are particularly confusing, even in context. I present to you, the list:

• And he didn’t have the look of a seismologist.
• All the Presidents + Susan B. Anthony + Sacagawea > a bird.
• Even if you aren’t successful, at least you’ll have done something useful with all of that spare lead I’m assuming you have strewn about your place.
• All joking aside, I will admit that recently, my custom goody bags have been lacking a certain something.
• One of those is Aesop, and the other one is Beetlejuice, I’m just not sure which is which anymore.
• I guess my point is that if you need someone to dig some holes or if you have a ring that needs to be thrown into a volcano, you know who to call(me.)

Like many bloggers, I get comments that never see the light of day. These comments are whisked away and are held permanently without trial in what can only be described as a Guantánamo Bay for blog comments. Today, for a brief moment, I’m going to give some of these comments a glimpse of daylight.

One of my recent posts was titled Pyramids! wherein I  made some incoherent statements about pyramids while I was obviously sleep deprived. Some people, however, took a liking to it:

“Crasty”: Are you a professional journalist? You write very well.

Sorry, Crasty. I’m not a journalist. I’m just a concerned citizen.

“John”: In truth, immediately i didn’t understand the essence. But after re-reading all at once became clear.

I know, John. It was tough material. I’m glad you stuck with it and re-read it, though. I’m just glad I could challenge you.

“elytSaruaG”: Хочу связать свое будущее с информационными технологиями, достаточно ли курсов или надо учится в универе несколько лет чтобы стадь хорошим специалистом ?

Thanks for the comment, elytSaruaG. I find the similarities that you mentioned between the Egyptian’s Fourth Dynasty (2575- 2467 B.C.) and the Boston Celtic’s First Dynasty (1957-1969 A.D.) intriguing.

Everyone wants to be at the top of the search results on Google. Books and articles have been written on the subject, but no one, except for those at Google know exactly how to do it. Since I personally don’t have a clue, you should probably read what other blogs have to say on this subject. Think of the list below as a few ways to hedge your bets, so to speak.

1. Create “links” in the real world. Write your URL on every overpass you can find with spray paint.
2. Sacrifice two goats.
3. Send Google a letter stating that your friend Abraham Lincoln *winkwink* would be happy to see you move up in the results. Add that your mutual buddy FDR would also be pleased. Make sure you have the $5.10 on hand before you send the letter.
4. Mow Google CEO Eric Schmidt’s lawn. Smile and wave when he looks warily and suspiciously out his window.
5. Challenge Google Founder Larry Page to a duel. To appear sporting, let him choose the weapons.
6. Do something newsworthy. A Class D felony is a good balance between publicity and jail time.
7. Chain yourself to a tree outside of Google headquarters. I’m not sure how that would help, you’ll have to improvise at that point.
8. Use relevant Michael Jackson Obama Health Care keywords.
9. Start a new trend. Before you do that, take a bath. You can’t start a trend looking like that.
10. Become an expert on something. Since that’s probably too much for you, make up for your lack of knowledge by being extra loud and annoying.