the tree of woe

We got a new phonebook yesterday.

Actually, I was a little surprised. Who uses phonebooks anymore? Certainly not I. Being the cutting edge, Web 2.0 fellow that I am, I always use Goog-411 to find the numbers I’m looking for. When that inevitably fails, (“I said HOME DEPOT… HOOOOOOME DEEEEEEE…) I go straight to Google. After scrolling through ten pages of useless, unrelated stuff, I give up.

I refuse to use a phonebook, despite its clear advantages. For example, there is a pizza coupon on the front. I’d never, ever use it, as I’d feel self conscious trotting about town with my measly phonebook coupon clutched tightly in my fist. If you have multiple places to look up, sometimes you can save some real time. Need a plumber and a podiatrist? Same page, my friend. Need a sign and a silversmith? Better yet, need a sign made of silver? The phonebook has it all and more. Take, for example, the wonderful ad on the back cover. It’s an ad for a law firm that specializes in (what else?) “serious injury claims.” They will help you with various injuries, such as:

• Automobile
• Slip & Fall
• Construction Site
• Dog Attacks
• Defective Products
• Pedestrian … ?

So if you’re ever walking through a construction site and you slip and fall, causing you to drive the Slim Jim you were eating into your eye, the scent of which causes some nearby dogs to attack your face, and then a pedestrian… steps on you… or something… you can really clean up with these people helping you out. Maybe by “pedestrian” they actually mean a boring, run of the mill serious injury claim. It’s hard to tell. I’d call them, but Goog-411 can’t find them, and I refuse to use the printed number out of pride.

I guess we’ll never know.

That’s it. I’m through playing around. You can tell how serious I am due to the lack of an exclamation point in my title. I’ve never not had an exclamation point up there.

Dear Pioneer Woman: It’s on.

You get 125 comments every time you burp, and I’m sick of it. I suppose I could get the same readership through hard work, patience, and effort, but I thought of an alternate plan that requires none of that. In the tradition of the Klingons, I challenge you to a duel.

I’m going to beat you at your own game. Sure, I could pick contests that play to my strengths (such as whining like a 12 year old girl, or not posting on my blog) but I won’t. Instead, there will be five challenges, based on the five super popular sections of your site: Cooking, Photography, Home & Garden, Homeschooling, and Confessions. I’m not really sure how those last two are going to work, as I don’t have any children to homeschool, and there’s not a good way to measure the winner of a confessing contest. If anyone has any good ideas for that, let me know. (If anyone has any children they would be willing to pull out of school for a year so I can homeschool them for this contest, please let me know, also.)

So, Pioneer Woman. It’s on. You have until Friday, December 18th at midnight PST to respond. If you fail to answer my challenge, you will forfeit, and I will crown myself champion. If you respond in time, you’re still going to lose, and I’ll crown myself champion. Either way, I get a shiny, pointy hat.

That darn Pioneer Woman is stealing all of my press. This is mostly because she puts actual time and effort into her site, whereas I tend to treat mine like an abused pet goldfish, feeding it then forgetting about it for the next three weeks. Whatever the reason, I am jealous of the attention she gets.

Now she’s getting even more attention for writing a cookbook. I wrote a cookbook, too, but you don’t see me waving my arms, trying to get attention because of it. Her cookbook is a collection of apparently delicious recipes. Mine is a series of descriptions of delicious food. “Chicken is delicious.” – “Octopus is delicious.” – Stuff like that.

Firstly, I want to apologize to my readers with more delicate sensibilities.

Good. Now that that’s out of the way, why do some guys flush urinals nonstop? I encountered one such fellow today who flushed no fewer than three times. Does he require the sound of running water in order to evacuate his bladder? Or can he not stand the thought of his “waste” remaining stationary, even for just a moment?

Those are the only two explanations I can think of. In either case, I suggest next time he find himself a running creek or a river or something, and leave the rest of us in peace.

Everybody’s favorite post from the old blog was a comprehensive review I did of several Meijer stores in the Grand Rapids, Michigan area. I was thinking about the greatness of Meijer and its lack of a counterpart here in California and decided that although I no longer live in Grand Rapids, I can still provide this vital service. Enjoy.

As a public service, I am going to review several Meijer stores in the Grand Rapids/West Michigan area. If your Meijer store isn’t in this list, it’s probably because I hate the area you live in and have vowed never to return.

• Cascade Meijer (28th / I96)

This is a good Meijer store. It seems to be fairly large, and is well lit. The residents of the Cascade area seem very subdued. This makes it easy to get in and out quickly, as no one will try to talk to you or make eye contact. This Meijer also features a bizarre storefront designed to look like a quaint row of shops, such as those you’d find in a small tourist town. It’s supposed to convey a feeling of a “neighborhood store” but instead says, “See these quaint storefronts? This is what would be here if we here at Meijer hadn’t crushed them like bugs MUHAHAHA.” Their rotisserie chicken machine is always full.
Final Verdict: 8 out of ten.

• Jenison Meijer

This is a slightly older Meijer, and it shows its age. It is still fairly nice, however. Everyone seems to be happy, as they live in Jenison, which, as everyone is West Michigan knows, is perfect in every way. What’s that? A Crime in Jenison? It must be those dirty Grandville hoodlums… they must be purified.. Their rotisserie chicken machine is without blemish.
Final Verdict: 8 out of 10

• Alpine Meijer

The Alpine Meijer is also an older Meijer, perhaps one of the oldest in the area. It stands at a crossroads. To the north, we have what I like to call Shiny Alpine. New stores. Hip restaurants. Up to six lanes wide of freeform driving. A place where everything can be yours. To the south, Sad Alpine. Abandoned buildings. Businesses that have not changed their sign since the 1930s. Arnies. Yes, the Alpine Meijer is an interesting mix, serving all types of people. So you’d think they’d open more than 2 checkout lanes at a time. Their rotisserie chicken machine is off.
Final Verdict: 5 out of 10

• 28th / Kalamazoo Meijer

There is no valid reason to ever go to this Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine has been stolen.
Final Verdict: 0 out of 10

• Plainfield Meijer

It’s been about 10 years since I’ve been to this Meijer. I think they have a Purple Cow, if those even exist anymore. Who knows. I hate Plainfield anyway. I think it’s supposed to be the West-East divider on the North end, but it curves around for some reason. That street wanders more than a senile dog. I hate Plainfield. Their rotisserie chicken machine is probably junk, like the rest of Plainfield.
Final Verdict: 2 out of 10

• Rivertown Meijer

This is a newer, yet smaller Meijer. It appears to make no sense. If I recall correctly, the Sporting Goods stuff is right near the door. Who does that? Nobody. This is a good-for-nothing Meijer. The only redeeming aspect of it is that the people in the pretentious new condos behind the Meijer get a view of the behind of a crappy Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine is not as nice as Jenison’s.
Final Verdict: 3 out of 10

• South Meijer (Kalamazoo / M6)

This Meijer is shiny and new. It stands as a beacon of hope for the people of Kentwood / Gaines Township. Before, these people had to drive 3, possibly even 4 miles one way to get to a Meijer Store. No longer. Besides, those deer only used that field to sleep and eat. Their rotisserie chicken machine is actually filled with deer meat.
Final Verdict: 7 out of 10

• 54th Street Meijer (54th / Clyde Park)

This is the greatest Meijer in the land. Huge. Spacious. The storefront is, by my quick estimate, slightly over a mile long. I always park on the wrong side of what I’m looking for, but I don’t mind. I could live in that Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine is brimming with goodness.
Final Verdict: 10 out of 10

And on that note, I’m done. Knapp’s corner, Standale and Rockford can all take a hike.