the tree of woe

I read something recently that made me appreciate my…  ambidextrosity? ambidextrousness? I’ll get back to you on that wording.

Anyway, I write with my right hand, but I seem to prefer to do most every other task with my left hand. Notice I said “most” tasks. I prefer to swing a bat with my right(although I can switch hit,) and I also golf right handed(I’ve never tried it left handed.) I shoot a basketball, throw, and play tennis with my left. I also prefer to knife-fight with my left(Don’t ask.)

The problem is, every time I have to do something that I haven’t done in awhile that also requires “handedness,” I have to stop and think, “Ok, me. Do I do this right handed, or left handed?” A good example of that is bowling. I always manage to bowl at least a game and a half right handed with little success, when I always end out remarking out loud, “Oh yeah, that’s right. I bowl left handed,” causing everyone within earshot to back away slowly.

If I was smart, I’d keep bowling right handed until someone said, “Man, Kevin. I’m crushing you. Why are you smiling?

Me: “Because I know something you don’t know.”

Him: “And what is that?”

Me: “I am not right handed.”

Then I would proceed to destroy my friend in bowling. That’s how I picture it, anyway. So like I was saying…

Peter Faulk:“Ah, that’s the end of the blog post.”

Fred Savage:“What? What?”

Peter Faulk:“Ah, it’s kissing again. You don’t want to hear that.”

Fred Savage:“Oh, Ok.”

I’m looking around online for potential income opportunities in another area of the country.  I came across one today that looked promising until I read the following, which is, mind you, a direct quote.

There may be regular exposure to mild physical discomfort from factors such as dust, fumes or odors, temperature extremes, loud noise, strong drafts, or bright lights.

I can’t think of a worse existence than the one just described. Odds probably are that all of those things don’t happen at once, but you can never be too sure. The exposure to such things is described as “regular,” despite the job setting being in an office. I submit that this isn’t a job at all, but some sort of undercover mental stress test being conducted by NASA or the CIA or the Kellogg Company or someone like that.

Co-worker: “So, Kevin, you get those papers filed yet?”

HONK FLASH SUDDEN TEMPERATURE CHANGE GUST OF WIND

Kevin: *huddled in corner, weeping softly*

NASA Scientist behind one way mirror: “Excellent…”

No, Aerosmith. I will not walk this way. Not even the pleas of Reverend Run or DMC will sway me, either, so don’t bother trying.

No, Was (Not Was). I will not walk the dinosaur. I’m not even sure what you mean by that. Are you referring to a dance of some sort, or is there an actual dinosaur that needs to be walked, as a dog might?

Sorry, Bruce.  I was definitely not Born to Run.

I Ran, Runnin Down a Dream, Band on the Run, Run Run Rudolph, Run for Cover, Run for Your Life, and Just My Imagination(Running Away With Me).

No, no, and again, no. And I will most certainly NOT Walk Like an Egyptian.

I will, however, Walk the Line.

Like the majestic Phoenix rising from its ashes, McGladdery.org is born anew!   Everything else is changing in my life, so I figured my blog could stand a major overhaul, too.

“But Kevin,” I hear you ask, “What of your old posts?  What will happen to them?”

They are gone.  Lost forever in the sands of time, to resurface only if I can’t think of anything else to write about.

“Huh..” you say, without the slightest hint of interest in your voice.   ”Hey…” you continue, “What do you think of people who put ice in milk?  I mean, really?”

It doesn’t make any sense at all.  How cold do you need your milk, exactly?  And what happens when the ice melts?  It gets all watered down.  That’s so nasty.

“People who put ice in their milk should be pushed down a staircase.” You conclude, quite melodramatically I might add.