the tree of woe

This is why I love having a beard:

• I look thinner.  More specifically, it’s harder to tell if I’ve gained weight.
• It’s like having a built-in scarf at all times, even in the shower.
• I look smarter, especially when paired with my glasses. “Well, let’s ask him. He’s got a beard and glasses” is something I hear frequently.
• It brings me one step closer to doing a perfect Hemingway/Commander Riker/Zeus impression.
• I think I look scarier, at least until I open my mouth.

Firstly, for the uniformed: Patrick Stewart is now Sir Patrick, a knight of the British Empire. I’m pretty sure this means he has to stop acting, be fitted for a suit of armor, and start questing.

This has reignited my quest to obtain as many honorary titles, degrees and certificates as I possibly can. Top on my list? Kentucky Colonel. I am absolutely serious. If that were to happen, I would immediately purchase a white linen suit and go to law school. Geographically and culturally, I have a better chance at being a Colonel then being knighted by the Queen of England. Frankly, I’d much rather be a Colonel, anyway. Can you think of anything better than the title of “Colonel”?

For balance, I’d put being an honorary Admiral in the Texas Navy near the bottom of my list, along with anything that has to do with Ohio.

While I’m at it, I relinquish my title as “King of the Internets.” The crown was too heavy for my neck, and the pointed top kept popping all my balloons.

I was reading my own blog earlier today, and silently reflecting on how witty and clever I am. I noticed that I’ve written a lot of sentences that make very little sense when taken out of context, and while that’s true of most sentences, this selection of statements from this very blog are particularly confusing, even in context. I present to you, the list:

• And he didn’t have the look of a seismologist.
• All the Presidents + Susan B. Anthony + Sacagawea > a bird.
• Even if you aren’t successful, at least you’ll have done something useful with all of that spare lead I’m assuming you have strewn about your place.
• All joking aside, I will admit that recently, my custom goody bags have been lacking a certain something.
• One of those is Aesop, and the other one is Beetlejuice, I’m just not sure which is which anymore.
• I guess my point is that if you need someone to dig some holes or if you have a ring that needs to be thrown into a volcano, you know who to call(me.)

Everyone, remain calm… the last thing we need right now is a panic, but listen to this…

The price of bacon has DROPPED 14 CENTS PER POUND.

Deep breath..  in.. out.. OK… OK… OHHHKAAAY…

I’m going to buy bacon. Right now. All I can. I’m going to buy bacon in Oregon Trailian-like quantities. What am I going to do with 600 pounds of bacon? It doesn’t matter. Think of it, though..  all that BACON.

Perhaps you think I’m being reactionary. Think about it for a moment, though. Perhaps you follow the price of gas in a similar way. Is counting cents, whether it be the price of gas or the price of bacon, worth it? Aren’t there larger issues that we should focus our time and energy on, time and energy we have once, and will never have again during our short stay here on earth? Shouldn’t we be focused on higher things? The answer is: no.

I have discovered the next exercise fad to take North America by storm.

Behold the ShovelGlove.

Actually, you don’t need to behold, I can just tell you what it is. You take a sledgehammer, wrap a sweater around it for safety, and proceed to go through all manner of movements with it in order to burn calories and increase strength.

It sounded good to me, until I realized how productive I could be if I actually did the activities this excercise simulates. I could dig an entire moat, chop enough firewood and churn enough butter to last a lifetime, and kill all the orcs in Mordor five times over.

I guess my point is that if you need someone to dig some holes or if you have a ring that needs to be thrown into a volcano, you know who to call(me.)