the tree of woe

I get to vote in my new state for the first time tomorrow.

I don’t remember everything that’s on the ballot off the top of my head, but I do know something that won’t be on the ballot:

The Wayne State University Board of Governors.

I tried to take every part of every ballot I voted on in Michigan seriously, but I would let myself “run free” so to speak when it came to the Wayne State University Board of Governors. For that group of people, I based my vote solely on who had the most bizarre name or who belonged to the most obscure political party. “Obadiah J. Hephaestus – Constitution Party” could count on my vote.

Sadly, I won’t be voting for that again any time soon, if ever. I’ll have to find some other irrelevant(to me) organization to try to run into the ground.

Everybody’s favorite post from the old blog was a comprehensive review I did of several Meijer stores in the Grand Rapids, Michigan area. I was thinking about the greatness of Meijer and its lack of a counterpart here in California and decided that although I no longer live in Grand Rapids, I can still provide this vital service. Enjoy.

As a public service, I am going to review several Meijer stores in the Grand Rapids/West Michigan area. If your Meijer store isn’t in this list, it’s probably because I hate the area you live in and have vowed never to return.

• Cascade Meijer (28th / I96)

This is a good Meijer store. It seems to be fairly large, and is well lit. The residents of the Cascade area seem very subdued. This makes it easy to get in and out quickly, as no one will try to talk to you or make eye contact. This Meijer also features a bizarre storefront designed to look like a quaint row of shops, such as those you’d find in a small tourist town. It’s supposed to convey a feeling of a “neighborhood store” but instead says, “See these quaint storefronts? This is what would be here if we here at Meijer hadn’t crushed them like bugs MUHAHAHA.” Their rotisserie chicken machine is always full.
Final Verdict: 8 out of ten.

• Jenison Meijer

This is a slightly older Meijer, and it shows its age. It is still fairly nice, however. Everyone seems to be happy, as they live in Jenison, which, as everyone is West Michigan knows, is perfect in every way. What’s that? A Crime in Jenison? It must be those dirty Grandville hoodlums… they must be purified.. Their rotisserie chicken machine is without blemish.
Final Verdict: 8 out of 10

• Alpine Meijer

The Alpine Meijer is also an older Meijer, perhaps one of the oldest in the area. It stands at a crossroads. To the north, we have what I like to call Shiny Alpine. New stores. Hip restaurants. Up to six lanes wide of freeform driving. A place where everything can be yours. To the south, Sad Alpine. Abandoned buildings. Businesses that have not changed their sign since the 1930s. Arnies. Yes, the Alpine Meijer is an interesting mix, serving all types of people. So you’d think they’d open more than 2 checkout lanes at a time. Their rotisserie chicken machine is off.
Final Verdict: 5 out of 10

• 28th / Kalamazoo Meijer

There is no valid reason to ever go to this Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine has been stolen.
Final Verdict: 0 out of 10

• Plainfield Meijer

It’s been about 10 years since I’ve been to this Meijer. I think they have a Purple Cow, if those even exist anymore. Who knows. I hate Plainfield anyway. I think it’s supposed to be the West-East divider on the North end, but it curves around for some reason. That street wanders more than a senile dog. I hate Plainfield. Their rotisserie chicken machine is probably junk, like the rest of Plainfield.
Final Verdict: 2 out of 10

• Rivertown Meijer

This is a newer, yet smaller Meijer. It appears to make no sense. If I recall correctly, the Sporting Goods stuff is right near the door. Who does that? Nobody. This is a good-for-nothing Meijer. The only redeeming aspect of it is that the people in the pretentious new condos behind the Meijer get a view of the behind of a crappy Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine is not as nice as Jenison’s.
Final Verdict: 3 out of 10

• South Meijer (Kalamazoo / M6)

This Meijer is shiny and new. It stands as a beacon of hope for the people of Kentwood / Gaines Township. Before, these people had to drive 3, possibly even 4 miles one way to get to a Meijer Store. No longer. Besides, those deer only used that field to sleep and eat. Their rotisserie chicken machine is actually filled with deer meat.
Final Verdict: 7 out of 10

• 54th Street Meijer (54th / Clyde Park)

This is the greatest Meijer in the land. Huge. Spacious. The storefront is, by my quick estimate, slightly over a mile long. I always park on the wrong side of what I’m looking for, but I don’t mind. I could live in that Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine is brimming with goodness.
Final Verdict: 10 out of 10

And on that note, I’m done. Knapp’s corner, Standale and Rockford can all take a hike.

As we near the close of the United States Mint “10 Years-50 Quarters”, or whatever they’re calling that program, I thought now wold be a good time to go back through some of the wonderful new state designs and take a closer look.

Florida: Here, we see a NASA space shuttle trying to land on their runway, where someone has mischievously placed a 19th century sailing ship. The theme is clear: tragedy. Totally avoidable tragedy.

Wisconsin: Wisconsin, unlike some other states, knows who they are, and doesn’t try to hide it. The only way this coin could have been more authentic is if they added Brett Favre holding a beer.

Hawaii: Boldly standing guard near Hawaii are two giant, stone statues of the ancient kings of Hawaii. Wait, my mistake. Those stone statues actually are on the river Anduin, at the entrance to Gondor. Looks like someone high up in the Hawaii state government is a huge Tolkien nerd. Way to go.

Alaska: This delightful and cheery image of a bear eating a live fish conveys this simple truth about Alaska: You’re next.

Massachusetts: This coin remembers the heroic “Minutemen.” The Minutemen were famous for their ability to fight at a minute’s notice. Unfortunately, they had horrible aim, usually shooting straight into the air, as this coin also remembers. I think it also took them less than a minute to get shot by British troops after their first, unsuccessful volley.

New Hampshire: The quarter dedicated to New Hampshire features the “Old Man of the Mountian”, a natural rock formation that collapsed three years after the quarter was released, thus robbing the citizens of New Hampshire of their one, back-of-a-quarter worthy feature. Also, you are instructed to live free or die.

North Carolina: North Carolina took a slightly different approach to their state quarter, and instead of highlighting anything interesting about the state, chose to reenact the airplane scene from “North by Northwest.” Good choice, North Carolina.

Rhode Island: This coin features a sinking ship. I don’t think Rhode Island understood how this whole program worked.

Vermont: This coin is almost as accurate as Wisconsin’s. Headed to Vermont? This is pretty much what you’re going to see and/or do the entire time you’re there.

Ohio: Follow the lead of these people: If you want to accomplish anything in life, first, you’re going to have to get out of Ohio as fast as you can.

Maine: “Welcome to Maine!” This is the cheerful greeting conveyed by this lighthouse. Notice that the ship has turned around once it realized where it was.

Michigan: Michigan figured it had all the time in the world to design a coin. Then, one morning, Michigan collectively shot out of bed and thought, “Oh no! Our coin is due today!” This was the best they could do in ten minutes.

California: California’s state quarter reenacts famous naturalist John Muir’s last moments, when he was savagely and fatally attacked by a ferocious bird. 

Utah: Oh no. Oh sweet goodness no. Those two trains are headed right for each other and Utah..  Utah is proud of it…

Montana: Montana is “Big Sky Country.” Apparently, it’s also “Even Bigger Dead Animal Country.”

Thus ends my state quarter review. Maybe I’ll do the others some other day. The other states can only hope, right?

Top reasons for visiting Mackinac Island:

• Fear of not riding ferries.
• Starting new, fudge-based diet.
• Fan of the one Christopher Reeve movie that didn’t have “Superman” in the title.
• Tired of having your horses spooked by modern “horseless” carriages.
• Want to go back in time without getting too deep into quantum mechanics.