the tree of woe

Economic times are tough, and people are looking to save money. Here, I present my own personal strategies for keeping ahead of the downward trend:

• Clipping coupons for products that I use, clipping coupons for products I don’t use and attempting to redeem them for cash value(1/40 of a cent.)
• Rolling through stop signs at a fuel efficient speed of 28MPH
• Lighting cigars with plain old $5 bills instead
• Not replacing batteries in smoke alarm(I’ve been saving money this way for the last 6 years.)
• No longer buying Michigan’s Instant Lotto tickets(still buying Daily 3, Daily 4, Mega Millions, and Keno tickets)
• Reduce wear on clothes and shoes by ceasing all physical activity

Next time you need to quantify something, feel free to use one of the expressions below. Use the chart to ensure you are applying the correct colorful metaphor.

• A Buttload = 30
• A Crapload = 40
• A Mess =< 7
• A Boatload = 200
• A Murder =>5 (This only applies to crows)
• More than you can shake a stick at = Varies depending on your individual stick shaking prowess.

Advertising may trick people into buying yogurt, but I have yet to meet the slick guy with the pitch that will actually convince me to eat it. Then again, they probably don’t care what I do with it, as long as I keep buying it.

Part of this problem is that yogurt rarely comes in flavors that guys want to eat. Sure, fruits are good and all, but if my lunch everyday can be described as a “Boysenberry Harvest,” pretty soon I’m going to just start skipping lunch everyday instead. What they need is a product that caters to men. They’ve done it with kids(see: Go-Gurt. It tastes as good as it sounds.) As a service to the yogurt industry, I now present a list of flavors that would get guys to actually eat their product.

• Steak (With A1 sauce. That part is important.)
• Yoplait High Life
• Cheese (This could probably just be a really, really soft cheese.)
• Scotch
• Ranch (Again, this could just be some ranch dressing. No yogurt needed.)
• Cajun
• Coffee
• Hot Dog
• New Car
• Dr. Pepper (please please PLEASE let this one come true.)
• Fear

Worst museum exhibits of all time:

• A Room Full of Creepy, Dead Egyptians – New Jersey State Museum
• “I’m Just Pulling Your Leg!”, and Other Civil War Medicine Stories – Gettysburg Historical Society
• Probably Some Arrowheads! – The Historical Museum at Fort Missoula
• Genocide in the Modern World – Boston Children’s Museum
• All About Glue! – The Kentucky Horse Park
• Get Pre-Approved for the New Ford F-150! – Henry Ford Museum, Detroit, Michigan

One of the most stressful parts of starting a blog is thinking of a name. Sure, you can call it something like “Blog,” but no one is going to read that. Some people use a title that actually describes the content you will find inside the blog. Sure, that’s fine for non creative types. To stand out, though, you need a name that is a cross between a good band name and a good book title. Something pretentious. “The Tree of Woe” is a good example. It sounds kind of literary and mysterious, but has absolutely nothing to do with the blog itself whatsoever. Those “in the know” will think I sound hip. Those really “in the know” will recognize it as a professional wrestling reference, and will consequently(and rightly so) have nothing further to do with me.

As a public service, here are some blog names.  Feel free to take whatever you want. (Non creative titles included)

• Moose Time
• Into These Parts
• Proof of Purchase
• Bear Food
• Amras Arcamenel’s Journey into the Forest of Fangorn (Only use if you’re content never feeling the gentle touch of a woman ever again.)
• So Very, Very Lonely
• I’m Mad! Grrr! LOL
• Daily Thoughts Life World Musings Blog (Hint: This one is good.)
• Pay Attention To Me
• Marketing Marketing Marketing (Keep typing this word until it won’t let you keep going.)
• (Rants/Ramblings/Journal/Diary/Journey) of a (Adjective) (Noun)
• Only the Best M*A*S*H Fan Fiction
• Blurry Pictures of my Family