the tree of woe

As we near the close of the United States Mint “10 Years-50 Quarters”, or whatever they’re calling that program, I thought now wold be a good time to go back through some of the wonderful new state designs and take a closer look.

Florida: Here, we see a NASA space shuttle trying to land on their runway, where someone has mischievously placed a 19th century sailing ship. The theme is clear: tragedy. Totally avoidable tragedy.

Wisconsin: Wisconsin, unlike some other states, knows who they are, and doesn’t try to hide it. The only way this coin could have been more authentic is if they added Brett Favre holding a beer.

Hawaii: Boldly standing guard near Hawaii are two giant, stone statues of the ancient kings of Hawaii. Wait, my mistake. Those stone statues actually are on the river Anduin, at the entrance to Gondor. Looks like someone high up in the Hawaii state government is a huge Tolkien nerd. Way to go.

Alaska: This delightful and cheery image of a bear eating a live fish conveys this simple truth about Alaska: You’re next.

Massachusetts: This coin remembers the heroic “Minutemen.” The Minutemen were famous for their ability to fight at a minute’s notice. Unfortunately, they had horrible aim, usually shooting straight into the air, as this coin also remembers. I think it also took them less than a minute to get shot by British troops after their first, unsuccessful volley.

New Hampshire: The quarter dedicated to New Hampshire features the “Old Man of the Mountian”, a natural rock formation that collapsed three years after the quarter was released, thus robbing the citizens of New Hampshire of their one, back-of-a-quarter worthy feature. Also, you are instructed to live free or die.

North Carolina: North Carolina took a slightly different approach to their state quarter, and instead of highlighting anything interesting about the state, chose to reenact the airplane scene from “North by Northwest.” Good choice, North Carolina.

Rhode Island: This coin features a sinking ship. I don’t think Rhode Island understood how this whole program worked.

Vermont: This coin is almost as accurate as Wisconsin’s. Headed to Vermont? This is pretty much what you’re going to see and/or do the entire time you’re there.

Ohio: Follow the lead of these people: If you want to accomplish anything in life, first, you’re going to have to get out of Ohio as fast as you can.

Maine: “Welcome to Maine!” This is the cheerful greeting conveyed by this lighthouse. Notice that the ship has turned around once it realized where it was.

Michigan: Michigan figured it had all the time in the world to design a coin. Then, one morning, Michigan collectively shot out of bed and thought, “Oh no! Our coin is due today!” This was the best they could do in ten minutes.

California: California’s state quarter reenacts famous naturalist John Muir’s last moments, when he was savagely and fatally attacked by a ferocious bird. 

Utah: Oh no. Oh sweet goodness no. Those two trains are headed right for each other and Utah..  Utah is proud of it…

Montana: Montana is “Big Sky Country.” Apparently, it’s also “Even Bigger Dead Animal Country.”

Thus ends my state quarter review. Maybe I’ll do the others some other day. The other states can only hope, right?

Top reasons for visiting Mackinac Island:

• Fear of not riding ferries.
• Starting new, fudge-based diet.
• Fan of the one Christopher Reeve movie that didn’t have “Superman” in the title.
• Tired of having your horses spooked by modern “horseless” carriages.
• Want to go back in time without getting too deep into quantum mechanics.

1. Use the elevator instead of the stairs. If there isn’t an elevator, use an escalator (be sure not to move.) If there isn’t either option, see if you can get someone to carry you up the stairs.
2. Use your car, all the time, even when you’re just getting the mail.
3. Remain absolutely motionless during your lunch break.
4. Watch more TV. Try not to watch exciting movies and shows, as that could accidentally get your heart rate up. Watch fishing, or even better, the BBC.
5. Spend your time writing useless blog posts, like me.

Current statistics indicate that there are over 20 bazillion blogs in existence, yet only roughly 6 of them are any good(this blog is not one of them.) If you want your blog to become #7, follow these foolproof tips to create a better blog, get more subscribers and readers, and generally add to the substance of the universe.

1. Post frequently. The smallest useful measurable amount of time is one second. Aim for one post every second.
2. Give useful information. The trick to this is that everyone has already blogged about every piece of useful information ever, so you’re going to have to come up with something new. Try turning lead into gold, then blog about that. Even if you aren’t successful, at least you’ll have done something useful with all of that spare lead I’m assuming you have strewn about your place.
3. Interact with readers. Reply to their emails and comments. Answer their questions. Invite them back. Figure out their interests, and write with them in mind. Find out where they live, where they work, their sleeping patterns, and their deepest fears. Go through their trash. You know, interact with them.
4. Be current. Make sure your blog stays up to date. If it didn’t happen within the last 48 hours, it doesn’t matter anymore. Remember the saying about not knowing history and being doomed? Some guy from like 1000 years ago or something said it, so who cares? Don’t blog about stuff like that.
5. Use cliffhangers. End every post with some sort of danger that makes people want to come back to see if you’ve survived. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out a way to get off of this sinking hovercraft.” is pretty good.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out a way to get off of this sinking hovercraft.

Do you find yourself running out of time during the course of the day? Are you too busy? Learn how to save time by using these simple time saving techniques to squeeze every drop of efficiency out of your time.

1. Work from home. If this isn’t possible, call in sick every day until you think they’re on to you. Then, return for a day or two. Repeat the process.
2. Stop using words with more than two syllables. Also, stop using “extra” words. “Talk like caveman. More time. Fire good, cook food.” Like that.
3. Actually, stop cooking your food. This will also save on energy costs now, and later(when you keel over.)
4. Make lists. Make sure you always have a shopping list, a to-do list, and an enemies list handy. Just be sure not to mix them up, especially if you have an uncle named Ben, a cardiologist named Michael Pepper, M.D., or if your commanding officer is Captain William M. Crunch.
5. Get ready the night before. Put out your clothes, put coffee and water in the coffee maker, and pack your lunch the night before. The extra sleep will help you look rested, calm and confident for the jury. Every little bit helps(according to your public defender.)
6. Learn to say no.”Will you give me a ride to the airport?”, “Will you organize the family reunion?”, “Can I have your kidney to live?” Feel free to say no.