the tree of woe

Next time you’re dealing with rejection, think about what some of these famous people had to go through:

• Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
• Thomas Edison went through 3,000 prototypes of the lightbulb before he discovered a filament that worked.
• Abraham Lincoln was told he was no good at splitting rails, but what do we chiefly remember him for today?
• Louis Pasteur killed over 200 people while testing his “Pasteurization” process.
• When Walt Disney told people about his idea for a theme park, people would punch him in the throat.

This is why I love having a beard:

• I look thinner.  More specifically, it’s harder to tell if I’ve gained weight.
• It’s like having a built-in scarf at all times, even in the shower.
• I look smarter, especially when paired with my glasses. “Well, let’s ask him. He’s got a beard and glasses” is something I hear frequently.
• It brings me one step closer to doing a perfect Hemingway/Commander Riker/Zeus impression.
• I think I look scarier, at least until I open my mouth.

Everybody’s favorite post from the old blog was a comprehensive review I did of several Meijer stores in the Grand Rapids, Michigan area. I was thinking about the greatness of Meijer and its lack of a counterpart here in California and decided that although I no longer live in Grand Rapids, I can still provide this vital service. Enjoy.

As a public service, I am going to review several Meijer stores in the Grand Rapids/West Michigan area. If your Meijer store isn’t in this list, it’s probably because I hate the area you live in and have vowed never to return.

• Cascade Meijer (28th / I96)

This is a good Meijer store. It seems to be fairly large, and is well lit. The residents of the Cascade area seem very subdued. This makes it easy to get in and out quickly, as no one will try to talk to you or make eye contact. This Meijer also features a bizarre storefront designed to look like a quaint row of shops, such as those you’d find in a small tourist town. It’s supposed to convey a feeling of a “neighborhood store” but instead says, “See these quaint storefronts? This is what would be here if we here at Meijer hadn’t crushed them like bugs MUHAHAHA.” Their rotisserie chicken machine is always full.
Final Verdict: 8 out of ten.

• Jenison Meijer

This is a slightly older Meijer, and it shows its age. It is still fairly nice, however. Everyone seems to be happy, as they live in Jenison, which, as everyone is West Michigan knows, is perfect in every way. What’s that? A Crime in Jenison? It must be those dirty Grandville hoodlums… they must be purified.. Their rotisserie chicken machine is without blemish.
Final Verdict: 8 out of 10

• Alpine Meijer

The Alpine Meijer is also an older Meijer, perhaps one of the oldest in the area. It stands at a crossroads. To the north, we have what I like to call Shiny Alpine. New stores. Hip restaurants. Up to six lanes wide of freeform driving. A place where everything can be yours. To the south, Sad Alpine. Abandoned buildings. Businesses that have not changed their sign since the 1930s. Arnies. Yes, the Alpine Meijer is an interesting mix, serving all types of people. So you’d think they’d open more than 2 checkout lanes at a time. Their rotisserie chicken machine is off.
Final Verdict: 5 out of 10

• 28th / Kalamazoo Meijer

There is no valid reason to ever go to this Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine has been stolen.
Final Verdict: 0 out of 10

• Plainfield Meijer

It’s been about 10 years since I’ve been to this Meijer. I think they have a Purple Cow, if those even exist anymore. Who knows. I hate Plainfield anyway. I think it’s supposed to be the West-East divider on the North end, but it curves around for some reason. That street wanders more than a senile dog. I hate Plainfield. Their rotisserie chicken machine is probably junk, like the rest of Plainfield.
Final Verdict: 2 out of 10

• Rivertown Meijer

This is a newer, yet smaller Meijer. It appears to make no sense. If I recall correctly, the Sporting Goods stuff is right near the door. Who does that? Nobody. This is a good-for-nothing Meijer. The only redeeming aspect of it is that the people in the pretentious new condos behind the Meijer get a view of the behind of a crappy Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine is not as nice as Jenison’s.
Final Verdict: 3 out of 10

• South Meijer (Kalamazoo / M6)

This Meijer is shiny and new. It stands as a beacon of hope for the people of Kentwood / Gaines Township. Before, these people had to drive 3, possibly even 4 miles one way to get to a Meijer Store. No longer. Besides, those deer only used that field to sleep and eat. Their rotisserie chicken machine is actually filled with deer meat.
Final Verdict: 7 out of 10

• 54th Street Meijer (54th / Clyde Park)

This is the greatest Meijer in the land. Huge. Spacious. The storefront is, by my quick estimate, slightly over a mile long. I always park on the wrong side of what I’m looking for, but I don’t mind. I could live in that Meijer. Their rotisserie chicken machine is brimming with goodness.
Final Verdict: 10 out of 10

And on that note, I’m done. Knapp’s corner, Standale and Rockford can all take a hike.

1. Get up 15 minutes earlier every morning. Alternatively, don’t go to sleep at all. Leave for work at 10PM.
2. Don’t rely on your memory. Write things down. This is the first step towards completely replacing your useless brain someday.
3. Take a hot bath. (note: This won’t actually relieve stress. It’s just… well, lately… look, let’s just say you could stand to take more baths and leave it at that.)
4. Do a favor for someone today. You can start by mowing my lawn.
5. Get your unpleasant tasks out of the way by doing them first thing, thereby ruining what could have been a nice day.
6. Add an ounce of love to everything you do. If you don’t have any love on hand, you can add an ounce of chili powder to everything you do.
7. When you get angry, count to ten before you do anything. This way, you’ll at least be giving people a ten second head start before you finally snap.

Barbarism  -

1. a brutal, coarse, or ignorant act
2. the condition of being backward, coarse, or ignorant
3. a substandard word or expression

Babarism -

1. a set of religious doctrines, endorsed by an animated French elephant