the tree of woe

Current statistics indicate that there are over 20 bazillion blogs in existence, yet only roughly 6 of them are any good(this blog is not one of them.) If you want your blog to become #7, follow these foolproof tips to create a better blog, get more subscribers and readers, and generally add to the substance of the universe.

1. Post frequently. The smallest useful measurable amount of time is one second. Aim for one post every second.
2. Give useful information. The trick to this is that everyone has already blogged about every piece of useful information ever, so you’re going to have to come up with something new. Try turning lead into gold, then blog about that. Even if you aren’t successful, at least you’ll have done something useful with all of that spare lead I’m assuming you have strewn about your place.
3. Interact with readers. Reply to their emails and comments. Answer their questions. Invite them back. Figure out their interests, and write with them in mind. Find out where they live, where they work, their sleeping patterns, and their deepest fears. Go through their trash. You know, interact with them.
4. Be current. Make sure your blog stays up to date. If it didn’t happen within the last 48 hours, it doesn’t matter anymore. Remember the saying about not knowing history and being doomed? Some guy from like 1000 years ago or something said it, so who cares? Don’t blog about stuff like that.
5. Use cliffhangers. End every post with some sort of danger that makes people want to come back to see if you’ve survived. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out a way to get off of this sinking hovercraft.” is pretty good.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out a way to get off of this sinking hovercraft.

Do you find yourself running out of time during the course of the day? Are you too busy? Learn how to save time by using these simple time saving techniques to squeeze every drop of efficiency out of your time.

1. Work from home. If this isn’t possible, call in sick every day until you think they’re on to you. Then, return for a day or two. Repeat the process.
2. Stop using words with more than two syllables. Also, stop using “extra” words. “Talk like caveman. More time. Fire good, cook food.” Like that.
3. Actually, stop cooking your food. This will also save on energy costs now, and later(when you keel over.)
4. Make lists. Make sure you always have a shopping list, a to-do list, and an enemies list handy. Just be sure not to mix them up, especially if you have an uncle named Ben, a cardiologist named Michael Pepper, M.D., or if your commanding officer is Captain William M. Crunch.
5. Get ready the night before. Put out your clothes, put coffee and water in the coffee maker, and pack your lunch the night before. The extra sleep will help you look rested, calm and confident for the jury. Every little bit helps(according to your public defender.)
6. Learn to say no.”Will you give me a ride to the airport?”, “Will you organize the family reunion?”, “Can I have your kidney to live?” Feel free to say no.

Economic times are tough, and people are looking to save money. Here, I present my own personal strategies for keeping ahead of the downward trend:

• Clipping coupons for products that I use, clipping coupons for products I don’t use and attempting to redeem them for cash value(1/40 of a cent.)
• Rolling through stop signs at a fuel efficient speed of 28MPH
• Lighting cigars with plain old $5 bills instead
• Not replacing batteries in smoke alarm(I’ve been saving money this way for the last 6 years.)
• No longer buying Michigan’s Instant Lotto tickets(still buying Daily 3, Daily 4, Mega Millions, and Keno tickets)
• Reduce wear on clothes and shoes by ceasing all physical activity

Next time you need to quantify something, feel free to use one of the expressions below. Use the chart to ensure you are applying the correct colorful metaphor.

• A Buttload = 30
• A Crapload = 40
• A Mess =< 7
• A Boatload = 200
• A Murder =>5 (This only applies to crows)
• More than you can shake a stick at = Varies depending on your individual stick shaking prowess.

Advertising may trick people into buying yogurt, but I have yet to meet the slick guy with the pitch that will actually convince me to eat it. Then again, they probably don’t care what I do with it, as long as I keep buying it.

Part of this problem is that yogurt rarely comes in flavors that guys want to eat. Sure, fruits are good and all, but if my lunch everyday can be described as a “Boysenberry Harvest,” pretty soon I’m going to just start skipping lunch everyday instead. What they need is a product that caters to men. They’ve done it with kids(see: Go-Gurt. It tastes as good as it sounds.) As a service to the yogurt industry, I now present a list of flavors that would get guys to actually eat their product.

• Steak (With A1 sauce. That part is important.)
• Yoplait High Life
• Cheese (This could probably just be a really, really soft cheese.)
• Scotch
• Ranch (Again, this could just be some ranch dressing. No yogurt needed.)
• Cajun
• Coffee
• Hot Dog
• New Car
• Dr. Pepper (please please PLEASE let this one come true.)
• Fear