the tree of woe

Next time you’re dealing with rejection, think about what some of these famous people had to go through:

• Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team.
• Thomas Edison went through 3,000 prototypes of the lightbulb before he discovered a filament that worked.
• Abraham Lincoln was told he was no good at splitting rails, but what do we chiefly remember him for today?
• Louis Pasteur killed over 200 people while testing his “Pasteurization” process.
• When Walt Disney told people about his idea for a theme park, people would punch him in the throat.

As we near the close of the United States Mint “10 Years-50 Quarters”, or whatever they’re calling that program, I thought now wold be a good time to go back through some of the wonderful new state designs and take a closer look.

Florida: Here, we see a NASA space shuttle trying to land on their runway, where someone has mischievously placed a 19th century sailing ship. The theme is clear: tragedy. Totally avoidable tragedy.

Wisconsin: Wisconsin, unlike some other states, knows who they are, and doesn’t try to hide it. The only way this coin could have been more authentic is if they added Brett Favre holding a beer.

Hawaii: Boldly standing guard near Hawaii are two giant, stone statues of the ancient kings of Hawaii. Wait, my mistake. Those stone statues actually are on the river Anduin, at the entrance to Gondor. Looks like someone high up in the Hawaii state government is a huge Tolkien nerd. Way to go.

Alaska: This delightful and cheery image of a bear eating a live fish conveys this simple truth about Alaska: You’re next.

Massachusetts: This coin remembers the heroic “Minutemen.” The Minutemen were famous for their ability to fight at a minute’s notice. Unfortunately, they had horrible aim, usually shooting straight into the air, as this coin also remembers. I think it also took them less than a minute to get shot by British troops after their first, unsuccessful volley.

New Hampshire: The quarter dedicated to New Hampshire features the “Old Man of the Mountian”, a natural rock formation that collapsed three years after the quarter was released, thus robbing the citizens of New Hampshire of their one, back-of-a-quarter worthy feature. Also, you are instructed to live free or die.

North Carolina: North Carolina took a slightly different approach to their state quarter, and instead of highlighting anything interesting about the state, chose to reenact the airplane scene from “North by Northwest.” Good choice, North Carolina.

Rhode Island: This coin features a sinking ship. I don’t think Rhode Island understood how this whole program worked.

Vermont: This coin is almost as accurate as Wisconsin’s. Headed to Vermont? This is pretty much what you’re going to see and/or do the entire time you’re there.

Ohio: Follow the lead of these people: If you want to accomplish anything in life, first, you’re going to have to get out of Ohio as fast as you can.

Maine: “Welcome to Maine!” This is the cheerful greeting conveyed by this lighthouse. Notice that the ship has turned around once it realized where it was.

Michigan: Michigan figured it had all the time in the world to design a coin. Then, one morning, Michigan collectively shot out of bed and thought, “Oh no! Our coin is due today!” This was the best they could do in ten minutes.

California: California’s state quarter reenacts famous naturalist John Muir’s last moments, when he was savagely and fatally attacked by a ferocious bird. 

Utah: Oh no. Oh sweet goodness no. Those two trains are headed right for each other and Utah..  Utah is proud of it…

Montana: Montana is “Big Sky Country.” Apparently, it’s also “Even Bigger Dead Animal Country.”

Thus ends my state quarter review. Maybe I’ll do the others some other day. The other states can only hope, right?

On this day in history, Ferdinand Magellan “discovered” the Pacific ocean.

I say “discovered” because he didn’t really discover it. Sailing around the world is one thing, but he didn’t discover anything. Lots of people had known about it for years. If I drove up to Salt Lake City, planted a flag with my face on it in the ground and claimed it as my great discovery, they would run me out of town (I know this is what they would do, mainly because this is precisely how they responded when I tried to claim their city for myself a couple of weeks ago.)

Besides, it’s not like the Pacific ocean is easy to miss. It’s pretty much the largest thing on the planet. Not discovering the Pacific ocean would be quite a feat, but that’s not what he did. 

I don’t mean to take away from the whole “sailing around the earth” thing, though.. but since he died and never actually sailed around the world himself, I guess we can’t give him credit for that, either. You know, the whole trip would have been so much easier if only they had a GPS device.

Today, August 7th, is National Lighthouse Day.

On this day in 1789, Congress approved “An Act for the Establishment and support of Lighthouse, Beacons, Buoys, and Public Piers.” It was a bold step, indeed.  Consider the following quote from the text of the act itself:

None of the said expenses shall continue to be so defrayed by the United States, after the expiration of one year from the day aforesaid, unless such lighthouses, beacons, buoys and public piers, shall in the mean time be ceded to and vested in the United States, by the state or states respectively in which the same may be, together with the lands and tenements thereunto belonging, and together with the jurisdiction of the same.

See how bold that was? Actually, I’m not sure if it’s bold or not. I picked the quote above because it was the only part I sort of understood, and I don’t even understand it that well, anyway. They can be forgiven, though. Later that day, they established the U.S. War Department. It’s hard to get excited about lighthouses when you get to create something totally awesome like the War Department. I mean, it’s a department… of war. You don’t create one of those everyday, that’s for sure. But back to lighthouses…

Today, make sure to take some time to reflect on how your life has been enhanced by lighthouses. What’s that? You can’t think of any ways in which you have personally benefited from the existence of lighthouses? That’s funny, because I can’t either. So thanks for nothing, lighthouses. You’ve had your time. What if boats stopped using GPS to navigate, and started using lighthouses again? They’d be running aground, crashing into each other left and right. It would be great, actually. Something to consider.

Ethelred the Unready served as King of England from 991 to 1016 AD.  As you can probably guess, he was one in a long line of British Monarchs that are unintentionally hilarious to the rest of the world, a line that continues to this day.

I picture poor Ethelred getting to the front of the line at Wendy’s, and when asked, “Welcome to Wendy’s, how may I help you?” he stands there mute, staring at the menu.

“I’ll have…    I’ll have a…   Do I want a frosty? I don’t need a frosty, but do I want a frosty?… Hmmm…”

HEY ETHELRED! JUST ORDER SOMETHING ALREADY!  Poor dumb sap. Maybe I’m assigning too much blame to Ethelred. Perhaps one day Ethelred was walking to class when he heard someone cry out, “HEY ETHELRED! THINK FAST!,” and he turns around to be greeted by a football to the chest. His tray of food drops to the ground, his glasses fly off his head, and Ethelred stands there nursing his wounded pride as the bullies saunter away, high-fiving each other for another job well done, making Ethelred look like a moron.

They probably didn’t plan on him becoming King, though. If they had, they probably would have been friendlier to him, mostly so he wouldn’t have them killed later.