the tree of woe

On this day in history, Ferdinand Magellan “discovered” the Pacific ocean.

I say “discovered” because he didn’t really discover it. Sailing around the world is one thing, but he didn’t discover anything. Lots of people had known about it for years. If I drove up to Salt Lake City, planted a flag with my face on it in the ground and claimed it as my great discovery, they would run me out of town (I know this is what they would do, mainly because this is precisely how they responded when I tried to claim their city for myself a couple of weeks ago.)

Besides, it’s not like the Pacific ocean is easy to miss. It’s pretty much the largest thing on the planet. Not discovering the Pacific ocean would be quite a feat, but that’s not what he did. 

I don’t mean to take away from the whole “sailing around the earth” thing, though.. but since he died and never actually sailed around the world himself, I guess we can’t give him credit for that, either. You know, the whole trip would have been so much easier if only they had a GPS device.

Today, August 7th, is National Lighthouse Day.

On this day in 1789, Congress approved “An Act for the Establishment and support of Lighthouse, Beacons, Buoys, and Public Piers.” It was a bold step, indeed.  Consider the following quote from the text of the act itself:

None of the said expenses shall continue to be so defrayed by the United States, after the expiration of one year from the day aforesaid, unless such lighthouses, beacons, buoys and public piers, shall in the mean time be ceded to and vested in the United States, by the state or states respectively in which the same may be, together with the lands and tenements thereunto belonging, and together with the jurisdiction of the same.

See how bold that was? Actually, I’m not sure if it’s bold or not. I picked the quote above because it was the only part I sort of understood, and I don’t even understand it that well, anyway. They can be forgiven, though. Later that day, they established the U.S. War Department. It’s hard to get excited about lighthouses when you get to create something totally awesome like the War Department. I mean, it’s a department… of war. You don’t create one of those everyday, that’s for sure. But back to lighthouses…

Today, make sure to take some time to reflect on how your life has been enhanced by lighthouses. What’s that? You can’t think of any ways in which you have personally benefited from the existence of lighthouses? That’s funny, because I can’t either. So thanks for nothing, lighthouses. You’ve had your time. What if boats stopped using GPS to navigate, and started using lighthouses again? They’d be running aground, crashing into each other left and right. It would be great, actually. Something to consider.

Ethelred the Unready served as King of England from 991 to 1016 AD.  As you can probably guess, he was one in a long line of British Monarchs that are unintentionally hilarious to the rest of the world, a line that continues to this day.

I picture poor Ethelred getting to the front of the line at Wendy’s, and when asked, “Welcome to Wendy’s, how may I help you?” he stands there mute, staring at the menu.

“I’ll have…    I’ll have a…   Do I want a frosty? I don’t need a frosty, but do I want a frosty?… Hmmm…”

HEY ETHELRED! JUST ORDER SOMETHING ALREADY!  Poor dumb sap. Maybe I’m assigning too much blame to Ethelred. Perhaps one day Ethelred was walking to class when he heard someone cry out, “HEY ETHELRED! THINK FAST!,” and he turns around to be greeted by a football to the chest. His tray of food drops to the ground, his glasses fly off his head, and Ethelred stands there nursing his wounded pride as the bullies saunter away, high-fiving each other for another job well done, making Ethelred look like a moron.

They probably didn’t plan on him becoming King, though. If they had, they probably would have been friendlier to him, mostly so he wouldn’t have them killed later.