the tree of woe

I am very, very afraid of wolves. This is largely due to their role in children’s stories. I would hear or read stories like “The Three Little Pigs,” “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” and “Little Red Riding Hood,” and no one could figure out why on earth I would have any fear of wolves at all.

“What’s wrong, Kevin? Don’t be scared of wolves, just because no structure can contain them, and they can disguise themselves as your loved ones. I mean, I’m not a wolf.”

…That sounds like something a wolf would say…

You just described wolves as having super powers and abilities far beyond my understanding as a small child in that little story of yours. So, yes, I’m terrified of them. Thank you for bringing that up and humiliating me in public, that’s very kind of you. Actually, if we could refrain from mentioning them by name at all, that would be great. According to another story of yours, a boy said “Wolf” three times and then was eaten alive.  Or maybe a dead wolf came to life and then tried to marry him.  One of those is Aesop, and the other one is Beetlejuice, I’m just not sure which is which anymore.

Roughly 85% of my generation was exposed to the classic video game Oregon Trail during our formative elementary school years. This game is the singular reason I’ve never been further west than St. Louis.

A visit to Oregon is now very high on my list of fears. First of all, the mortality rate of a trip out west is roughly 25%. Even if you do survive, you almost certainly won’t make it without enduring some sort of tragic or potentially life threatening event. You might break your leg. Your wagon might break down. Your oxen will probably die at some point, either from being overworked, or you’ll drown them in a river, or something. Sound rough? Add to it all the never ending dysentery that could claim you any day now, and you have an idea of what pioneer life was like.

I have to admit, I don’t remember much about the game. I do remember parts were very unrealistic. Rest, for example, is not a correct medical treatment for a broken leg. Oh, it’s part of it, to be sure, but a nap isn’t going to make that bone whole again. It seemed to work pretty often, though. (Unless that character was named after someone I didn’t like. In that case, those people would be denied the most basic medical help.  Instead, I would work them to the bone, dysentery or not.)

I believe you got to choose from some different “professions” for your character, possibly Banker, Farmer and Carpenter. The banker started out with the most money, which is why I was always the banker. How would being a farmer even help you?

“Man, this is a long road trip, and I’m getting hungry.  We should stop for food somewhere.”

“That’s a great idea. There’s nice plot of land at the next exit.  Let’s get off there, and I’ll plant some corn.  Then, we simply will wait for 6 months for it to grow.”

And that’s why I was never the idiot farmer.  He would be the first one eaten by the rest of the starving party.