the tree of woe

I get to vote in my new state for the first time tomorrow.

I don’t remember everything that’s on the ballot off the top of my head, but I do know something that won’t be on the ballot:

The Wayne State University Board of Governors.

I tried to take every part of every ballot I voted on in Michigan seriously, but I would let myself “run free” so to speak when it came to the Wayne State University Board of Governors. For that group of people, I based my vote solely on who had the most bizarre name or who belonged to the most obscure political party. “Obadiah J. Hephaestus – Constitution Party” could count on my vote.

Sadly, I won’t be voting for that again any time soon, if ever. I’ll have to find some other irrelevant(to me) organization to try to run into the ground.

So I’ve been in California for over eight months now, and I have yet to feel a single earthquake.

What’s wrong, Earth? Too afraid to shift your tectonic plates now that I’m here? Sounds to me like you’re all talk, Earth. I’ll be right here in case you change your mind, though. I’ll just be riding this unicycle up and down the San Andreas fault line, eating an ice cream cone and daring you to do something about it.

Dungeness crab is a particular delicacy that is popular from the Pacific Northwest all the way down to San Francisco, where I have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with it.

It’s not that I don’t like crab. Crab is delicious. It’s the methods employed to actually get the crab meat that I have a problem with.

This website offers simple, straightforward, and unemotional methods of preparing dungeness crab. I will now offer you the real methods of preparing crab, the method no one tells you about until it’s too late.

Take several living animals, animals that could still have their entire lives ahead of them, and place them in a pot of boiling water. Count yourself lucky that they are unable to scream.

Once you have successfully boiled them alive, take the crabs out and put them on a serving tray. This is where the real fun begins.

Take a single crab and put it on your plate. Rip its legs off (legs that just hours earlier were engaged in a futile struggle for life), one by one, and suck out the sweet crab meat. If the legs prove too sturdy for you, simply use a nutcracker to smash them to smithereens.

After you’ve torn the poor animal limb from limb, crush its body with your bare hands. Rip out whatever is inside and stuff it indiscriminately into your mouth.

It’s not that I don’t like eating animals. Animals are delicious. The cuter the animal, the more flavor I find that they have. The difference is the level of violence involved. If every recipe for steak started with, “Go get a hammer, a hacksaw, and a rifle,” I’d feel the same way about cows.

As we near the close of the United States Mint “10 Years-50 Quarters”, or whatever they’re calling that program, I thought now wold be a good time to go back through some of the wonderful new state designs and take a closer look.

Florida: Here, we see a NASA space shuttle trying to land on their runway, where someone has mischievously placed a 19th century sailing ship. The theme is clear: tragedy. Totally avoidable tragedy.

Wisconsin: Wisconsin, unlike some other states, knows who they are, and doesn’t try to hide it. The only way this coin could have been more authentic is if they added Brett Favre holding a beer.

Hawaii: Boldly standing guard near Hawaii are two giant, stone statues of the ancient kings of Hawaii. Wait, my mistake. Those stone statues actually are on the river Anduin, at the entrance to Gondor. Looks like someone high up in the Hawaii state government is a huge Tolkien nerd. Way to go.

Alaska: This delightful and cheery image of a bear eating a live fish conveys this simple truth about Alaska: You’re next.

Massachusetts: This coin remembers the heroic “Minutemen.” The Minutemen were famous for their ability to fight at a minute’s notice. Unfortunately, they had horrible aim, usually shooting straight into the air, as this coin also remembers. I think it also took them less than a minute to get shot by British troops after their first, unsuccessful volley.

New Hampshire: The quarter dedicated to New Hampshire features the “Old Man of the Mountian”, a natural rock formation that collapsed three years after the quarter was released, thus robbing the citizens of New Hampshire of their one, back-of-a-quarter worthy feature. Also, you are instructed to live free or die.

North Carolina: North Carolina took a slightly different approach to their state quarter, and instead of highlighting anything interesting about the state, chose to reenact the airplane scene from “North by Northwest.” Good choice, North Carolina.

Rhode Island: This coin features a sinking ship. I don’t think Rhode Island understood how this whole program worked.

Vermont: This coin is almost as accurate as Wisconsin’s. Headed to Vermont? This is pretty much what you’re going to see and/or do the entire time you’re there.

Ohio: Follow the lead of these people: If you want to accomplish anything in life, first, you’re going to have to get out of Ohio as fast as you can.

Maine: “Welcome to Maine!” This is the cheerful greeting conveyed by this lighthouse. Notice that the ship has turned around once it realized where it was.

Michigan: Michigan figured it had all the time in the world to design a coin. Then, one morning, Michigan collectively shot out of bed and thought, “Oh no! Our coin is due today!” This was the best they could do in ten minutes.

California: California’s state quarter reenacts famous naturalist John Muir’s last moments, when he was savagely and fatally attacked by a ferocious bird. 

Utah: Oh no. Oh sweet goodness no. Those two trains are headed right for each other and Utah..  Utah is proud of it…

Montana: Montana is “Big Sky Country.” Apparently, it’s also “Even Bigger Dead Animal Country.”

Thus ends my state quarter review. Maybe I’ll do the others some other day. The other states can only hope, right?

I spotted a sign on I580 today. This is, to the best of my recollection, what it said:

Next Exit: Oakland Airport

Zoo And Coliseum

Now I’m all for saving the taxpayers money, and for the consolidation of government programs. This seems to me, however, to be a little bit much. I’m not sure how the functions of a zoo, an airport and a coliseum overlap, but I can’t find a good reason for combining them all into one entity. I suppose that they could mean:

Next Exit:

Oakland Airport

Oakland Zoo

Oakland Coliseum

But that isn’t what the sign said.

Perhaps the goats wander the coliseum after Raiders games, eating the trash and saving on janitorial costs. The elephants could dispense drinks out of their trunks, too. Tigers would function as can openers with their giant fangs. It would be just like the Flintstones. I don’t know how the airport enters into it.