the tree of woe

Dungeness crab is a particular delicacy that is popular from the Pacific Northwest all the way down to San Francisco, where I have had the unfortunate experience of dealing with it.

It’s not that I don’t like crab. Crab is delicious. It’s the methods employed to actually get the crab meat that I have a problem with.

This website offers simple, straightforward, and unemotional methods of preparing dungeness crab. I will now offer you the real methods of preparing crab, the method no one tells you about until it’s too late.

Take several living animals, animals that could still have their entire lives ahead of them, and place them in a pot of boiling water. Count yourself lucky that they are unable to scream.

Once you have successfully boiled them alive, take the crabs out and put them on a serving tray. This is where the real fun begins.

Take a single crab and put it on your plate. Rip its legs off (legs that just hours earlier were engaged in a futile struggle for life), one by one, and suck out the sweet crab meat. If the legs prove too sturdy for you, simply use a nutcracker to smash them to smithereens.

After you’ve torn the poor animal limb from limb, crush its body with your bare hands. Rip out whatever is inside and stuff it indiscriminately into your mouth.

It’s not that I don’t like eating animals. Animals are delicious. The cuter the animal, the more flavor I find that they have. The difference is the level of violence involved. If every recipe for steak started with, “Go get a hammer, a hacksaw, and a rifle,” I’d feel the same way about cows.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 at 9:20 pm and is filed under California, Whining. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.