Stop! Thief!
As I picked up a copy of the Grand Rapids Press today, I noticed the headline on the front page. That is, after all, its sole purpose. It read:
“Will Thieves Spoil Your Picnic?”
First of all, who says “thief” or any of its variants anymore? Maybe if you find yourself in London, circa 1880, then “thief” would be a completely appropriate word to say. If you were sitting on a London park bench in 1880 and turned away from the over-cloak you had just laid next to you in order to find your snuff tin and smooth your waistcoat, only to see a burglar dash away in the distance and the distinct lack of an over-cloak next to you when you turned back around, you could yell out “Stop! Thief!”, hoping to attract the attention of a nearby constable without sounding like an idiot. In any other instance, saying the word “thief” will only serve to alert those within earshot of your mind-shattering stupidity.
I didn’t actually read any of the article. Didn’t seem to be worth my time. If I had to guess, I’d say there is someone out there in Grand Rapids ruining picnics, darting across picnic blankets and swiping sandwiches, swinging by on a rope just as some unsuspecting picnic goer was about to take a bite out of a delicious hot dog, but only biting at the air where his hot dog was fractions of a second earlier. A Hamburgler copycat, if you will.
Where are you, Ronald McDonald? Save us!
