the tree of woe

Current statistics indicate that there are over 20 bazillion blogs in existence, yet only roughly 6 of them are any good(this blog is not one of them.) If you want your blog to become #7, follow these foolproof tips to create a better blog, get more subscribers and readers, and generally add to the substance of the universe.

1. Post frequently. The smallest useful measurable amount of time is one second. Aim for one post every second.
2. Give useful information. The trick to this is that everyone has already blogged about every piece of useful information ever, so you’re going to have to come up with something new. Try turning lead into gold, then blog about that. Even if you aren’t successful, at least you’ll have done something useful with all of that spare lead I’m assuming you have strewn about your place.
3. Interact with readers. Reply to their emails and comments. Answer their questions. Invite them back. Figure out their interests, and write with them in mind. Find out where they live, where they work, their sleeping patterns, and their deepest fears. Go through their trash. You know, interact with them.
4. Be current. Make sure your blog stays up to date. If it didn’t happen within the last 48 hours, it doesn’t matter anymore. Remember the saying about not knowing history and being doomed? Some guy from like 1000 years ago or something said it, so who cares? Don’t blog about stuff like that.
5. Use cliffhangers. End every post with some sort of danger that makes people want to come back to see if you’ve survived. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out a way to get off of this sinking hovercraft.” is pretty good.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to figure out a way to get off of this sinking hovercraft.

Do you find yourself running out of time during the course of the day? Are you too busy? Learn how to save time by using these simple time saving techniques to squeeze every drop of efficiency out of your time.

1. Work from home. If this isn’t possible, call in sick every day until you think they’re on to you. Then, return for a day or two. Repeat the process.
2. Stop using words with more than two syllables. Also, stop using “extra” words. “Talk like caveman. More time. Fire good, cook food.” Like that.
3. Actually, stop cooking your food. This will also save on energy costs now, and later(when you keel over.)
4. Make lists. Make sure you always have a shopping list, a to-do list, and an enemies list handy. Just be sure not to mix them up, especially if you have an uncle named Ben, a cardiologist named Michael Pepper, M.D., or if your commanding officer is Captain William M. Crunch.
5. Get ready the night before. Put out your clothes, put coffee and water in the coffee maker, and pack your lunch the night before. The extra sleep will help you look rested, calm and confident for the jury. Every little bit helps(according to your public defender.)
6. Learn to say no.”Will you give me a ride to the airport?”, “Will you organize the family reunion?”, “Can I have your kidney to live?” Feel free to say no.

There’s something magical about drumsticks. Specifically, there’s something magical about drumsticks hitting together quickly, four times in a row. Whenever I hear that, a tiny voice in my brain says, “Prepare to rock.”

I think a good sociological experiment would be to take some drumsticks in a crowded place, hit them together over your head four times in a row, and see if anyone joins in the inevitable rocking.

A few weeks ago I was sitting in a Starbucks, enjoying a lovely breakfast of coffee and a blueberry scone, when I noticed a gentleman get in line. He was wearing a shirt and tie, and seemed a little nervous, like he was going to a job interview or something. He seemed like anybody else there, just getting breakfast before starting his day, when I noticed something in his hand. It was a manila folder, not unusual at all, save for the writing on the tab of the folder. The folder was titled “Earthquakes.

Why a folder titled “Earthquakes”? He was too old to be in school(at least, too old to be in a school where he would have to do a report simply titled “Earthquakes.”) And he didn’t have the look of a seismatologist. I can only conclude that he was a mad scientist, bent on the destruction of the world(or at least the destruction of California.)

The moral of the story is that supervillains need a complete and nourishing breakfast too, just like the rest of us. They’re not that different, after all.

I don’t like to blog about blogging, as that’s not my style.  I do want to mention, however, that I just changed the url of my feedburner feed. The old one will probably still work, but the new one is the official one. So, to my singular subscriber, if you ever have the urge, you can change the feed to http://feeds.feedburner.com/mcgladdery/woe instead of whatever it used to be.

McGladdery out.