I’m old!
EVIDENCE:
I like large cars. This is nothing new. The larger and more boat-like, the better. I have the opportunity to rent a car a few months ago, and since no one had a “full size” to rent, I was forced to get a luxury car that could accommodate a massive carseat. I ended up with a Cadillac. Not the smaller one, the big giant boat Cadillac. I couldn’t have been happier.
I like fountain pens. This is somewhat new. I wanted a single, good pen recently. A pen called the Lamy Safari was recommended to me. Fast forward a few weeks and I have several bottles of ink on my desk and three Lamy Safaris. So if I ever need to write a formal letter in 1870, I’ve got the technique down.
I frequently eat at 4:30 PM.
I have no idea what music the kids listen to. Do they still listen to The Hoobastanks?
I have to stop writing about this because while trying to find out how to spell Hoobastank, I found that there is a Best of Hoobastank album. If the Occupy Wall Street people needed hard evidence that capitalism has failed, they can point out that someone perceived a need for this album and the free market allowed them to make and distribute it.
Potatoes!
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I purchased exactly two very masculine things: a bag of charcoal and a bag of potatoes. It felt great. It was like I was declaring to the entire world, “These two things are the only two things I need right now. I am the sort of person who requires giant bags of charcoal and potatoes. Nothing else in this Safeway applies to my life right now except for charcoal and potatoes.” I also did not use a cart, so I had the privilege of walking across the parking lot with one large sack over my right shoulder and another over my left.
I then went home and proceeded to cook meat with fire. I hadn’t felt that primal since the day I tracked a pizza down multiple hallways and up two floors with only my nose and the scent as a guide.
Earthquakes!
THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE IN VIRGINIA YESTERDAY AND no one in California cares. Note the condescending tone in both a local and a national newspaper.
The general reaction of people from California seems to be “Ha ha, your terror brings us joy and a sense of superiority.” This, from the same people who have said some of the following:
- “WHAT IS THIS CLEAR LIQUID DESCENDING MENACINGLY FROM THE HEAVENS?”
- “IT’S 45 DEGREES OUTSIDE, HOW LONG UNTIL FROSTBITE SETS IN?”
- (upon seeing a slightly wet road) “IF I GO OVER 20 MPH, WE’LL ALL DIE FOR SOME REASON?”
- (while blocked by a puddle in front of Whole Foods) “WHO AMONG US WILL BE ABLE TO FORD THESE MIGHTY WATERS? NOT EVEN CHARON HIMSELF WOULD BE ABLE TO RETRIEVE OUR PRECIOUS ORGANIC CHOCOLATE.”
- “UGH I’M SICK OF WINTER.”